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Carol's Blog for 2016


The views and opinions expressed in this blog are the personal views of Carol and are not necessarily intended to reflect the views of the
Ozark Dogs Rescue Organization.

Be who you are and say what you feel...Because those that matter... don't mind...And those that mind... don't matter."

 
 
 
It is 2017 now but I will try to fill in the past few months over the next few weeks.  Computer crashed.  Had to get everything operational before I downloaded my website back to the computer. 
9/28:  I got the kitchen in the shop done!!!  Just the frame around the window and a board across the top of the door left to do.  The cabinets are back in and the fridge.  Its' not perfect but darn good for doing it myself.  It would be perfect if I was 10 years younger, but body would not hold up for some of the things that needed more meticulous detail.  Ginny has been coming every day to help with the house and the dogs or I could never have gotten this finished.  Tomorrow we are going to talk about a payment arrangement so she can continue to help.  She really does a good job with all the cleaning, dogs and house.  And I like her.  She is fun. 
    I put Zoe with Lakota again.  She was there for a day and it worked.  Trying it again.  He does get jealous for attention and growled at her when I was petting her.  I moved JoJo in the other room where he use to be.   Decided I won't fix up that room because he will just eat the walls.  I put Shiloh with him.  He wants to be friends.  She is miserable.  She has been being a real poop to the wild ones and at night, it is a real problem.  I need sleep!  If it does not work, I will try Kashi.  I don't want anybody too sad but I just can't being JoJo up here to make 18 dogs in the house.  Just too many. 
     The flea infestation is horrid.  I just spent another $300 on Nexguard.  Comfortis is only working for a few weeks.  I can't give it yet as too soon but as soon as it is safe, I'm lining them up.  Sadie is the most miserable but I just gave her Sentinal Spectrum 8 days ago which is suppose to kill fleas also.  Not working.  Just keep putting cedar oil on her until enough time has passed to give her Nexguad.  Same with Zoe and Cotton.  The others not so much.  The Seresto collars were a big waste of money.  14 sitting in the shelf 10 of which are un-opened. 
    Sounds like the visiting dog is back.  It has been here (assuming a dog) every night.  and the outside dogs bark and bark.  I get up, chase it away but then it comes back.  I can't get a good enough look to see if it actually is a dog.  Could be a coyote or large fox.  I just wish it would go somewhere else. 
9/27:  Only a few partial tiles left for the kitchen.  Got half the baseboards on and 2 cabinets back in and the water cooler.  Finish the tiles and baseboards in the morning so I can get the fridge and last cabinet back in.  Rick will be over next week and do the light.  I'll need to pick one up as it's too nice a kitchen now to have a hanging shop light.  Still waiting on Laven to come get the air duct in.   A real sense of accomplishment.  My knees and back held together although they ache.  I'd love to get some sleep tonight, but that visiting dog must be back.  Guess I'll go out and chase it off or catch it. 
9/26:  Sadie and Zoe are not leaving.  Partly my fault. but I just don't want to withhold information.  It would not be right.  So it cost them a rescue place. 
     Hired someone to put the ceiling in the shop kitchen and finish the walls.  A disaster.  A lazy idiot.  That was money thrown away.  I ended up doing it myself. It looks pretty decent.  Still working on the floor.  Got half the tile down.  Will put up the baseboards on that half and get the cabinets back in today so Beth Ann and Sadena can have their room back. 
     I'm tired.  I'm frustrated.  No sleep last night.  I even took a Benadryl and 2 Aleve but I just hurt all over when I lay down.  But I don't have the energy to stay vertical. 
9/22:  Tried a happy pill but does not work when there is nothing to be happy about.  I hired some guy yesterday to finish up the kitchen in the apartment.  He kept claiming to be a "professional".  I wanted to say "anyone who gets paid for something becomes a professional rather you know what you are doing or not."  He falls in the later category.  Tim was smarter then this bozo.  I'm glad we came to a 'price for the job' and not an hourly.  Of course, I'm sure there will be a conflict as he has already had many complaints.  I true 'professional' would have started by checking corners and making sure studs were in the right place.  So far all I see is a big mess that is going to have to be torn out.  He needed gas money and all I had was a $50.  He was here 6 hours and did about 2 hours worth of work.  I did have him sign a liability waiver.  If he shows up this morning, we are going to have a discussion!  Do it right and efficiently or hit the road.  He is just not using his brain at all.  I hate when I am so much smarter then a person I hire, but can't physically do it myself. 
    Only Zoe will be gong to Colorado.  The foster was very nice, but no one is listening to me.  Zoe and Sadie may not get along.  The only way to have them in the same house, is if someone is home all the time to monitor.  Sadie has separation anxiety so she needs a person or dog to interact with all the time.  Anyway, the 'solutions' were asinine.  Obviously she was not thinking.  Baby gates for Pyrs that stand 28" at the shoulder??? One, it is no barrier and 2 creates a fence fight.  Closing a dog off in a room alone who has separation anxiety????  Did you plan to remodel and buy new drapes and furniture???  She may be the nicest dog person but she was just not 'getting it'. So anyway, another $150 for one dog to get to KC.  Sandra never asks, but that is what I pay because she looses a days grooming appointments and it is only fair I make up at least part of that.  She is a gem to do this.
     I have a volunteer coming today.  Community Service.  55 years old.  I think I will like her.  I will definitely appreciate the help.  Poop scooping and walking JoJo and Zoe and Beth Ann.  Hopefully Sadena will bond with her so she can go for a walk too. 
   Almost 6 a.m.  Going to bake Martha Wright for breakfast.  Out of toast.   Dogs are going to want walked as soon as it is daylight.  Goofy has to be out the door the minute he wakes up so I have to be ready. 
9/19:  Took a 2 1/2 hr nap today and now can't sleep.  Just past midnight.  Really agonizing over Sadie leaving.  The rescue sounds good and enthusiastic, but their communication skills are lacking.  I sent a detailed write up on the dogs and then got a reply asking questions I answered in the write up.  Then guess they didn't inform the foster that they should probably best not be placed together because she is fostering them both.  I'll call her tomorrow.  I care too much,  but then is that really possible.  I'm not obsessed.  I just know the dogs and love the dogs and want them to have 'better' then what is here.  They need to be special and I have let a lot go that I really did not want to, but did because it was right.  Not because it was easy or I wanted them gone. 
    I worked on my house plan.  My dream home of many years ago has continued to shrink as I realize I can't take care of so much space.  I'm down to 1800 sq. feet in the new plan but having a heck of a time figuring out where to put the second bathroom.  I hate hall ways and will not have one if I do build.  That does create problems when I start condensing size.  Got to have a sewing room and computer room so joined them into one.  Master bedroom has to be 13 1/2 x 19 minimum to fit the furniture and the windows and doors have to be in the right places.  I love this house I am in.  I just want a similar plan but about half the size.  Planning gives me a distraction from the reality that a beginning also means and end.  I am really struggling with what I want because I can't have both. 
9/17:  I hurt all over.  Mopped about 3/4 of my work room floor in the shop.  I ordered 2 sewing machines that will be here in about 2 weeks.  Re-arranged stuff.  I got them now because (1) the dealer is in TN and is American and everyone speaks real English and (2) I didn't want to wait until I move because this 'home' machine drives me crazy.  Owner is personally delivering them when he goes to Springfield in 2 weeks.  I spend a good 4 hours down there cleaning and every muscle hurts.  Lifting thing I have no business lifting but no one to do it for me.  Hopefully I will have the energy tomorrow to finish.  Not going to hold my breath.  I may not be able to move.
     Just got off the floor with Hanna.  She always wants attention.  Goofy came for attention but when I got on the floor to comb on him, her got up and left.  Hanna was handy.  She finally had enough and she left too.  Right side almost done.  Left side not even started. 
     I took a happy pile yesterday.  Had the prescription for well over a year.  Had only taken 6 at most out of a bottle of 60.  I just never looked. It was in the cabinet with the drinking glasses.  Someone took about 50 pills as there were only 4 in the bottle.  My guess is Tim.  No idea who else it could have possibly been since no one else gets into my cabinet and no one else comes in if I am not home.  Guess I'll have to make a doctors appointment since the refills long ago expired.   I've managed to 'bounce back' from most down days, but they are getting longer and harder and more frequent.  Winter coming will really put me over the edge unless I can get to a point where I only have 16 dogs and they are all in the house.  It's that walk down the hill, poop scooping and most of all, filling water.  Filling water in the house is hard enough. 
     Lakota is barking at something in the tree.  It is not a squirrel.  I know the squirrel bark.  Guess I'll go see.  
9/14 barely:  It has been a long weekend with lots getting accomplished, but not as much as hoped for.  Kathleen and Bob came down Friday evening and stayed until Tuesday morning.  The lawnmower gave fits, but Bob got the front looking fabulous before it totally clunked.  Parts were not too much but they won't get put on until they come back down or Dave stops by.  Bob also got the weeds and grass knocked down in the 2 dog yards.  We got the broken glass out of the door and put in a grid.  It was double pane and the inner was not damaged so no sense in putting in the glass Dave brought over. I will save it in case we have another flying rock.  The burn pile is gone.  Wanted to burn the wood scraps that have been sitting in the trailer for several years but wasps had other ideas.  Bob got stung on his hand.  Luckily a quick soak in ice and he was fine. 
    Kathleen and I got Cola, Pumpkin and Cotton combed up good.  I got Pumpkin and Cola in for a bath.  They look great.  Cotton and Kashi's turn today.  Pumpkin and Cola loaded much better then I anticipated.  Nancy rode along to help unload.  One of the office staff helped me load to go home.  When we were home it took a few minutes for them to realize where they were then they got out good. 
    A local lady showed up to help on Saturday and said she'd be back Sunday, but as typical, she was a no-show.  Bob and Kathleen were surprised but I wasn't.  It is typical.  They are 2 of my steadfast helpers.  Dave comes when he can and so does Althea and Rick.  Of course Betty and Nancy come every Tuesday to walk the dogs.  Makes about 4 years now.  Having someone come and actually help gives me motivation.  I get into a real slump when the grass is high, yards are grown up, dogs are not getting the attention they need and people make promises they don't keep. 
    Hank left Monday.  He arrived in Colorado last night.  I miss him.  Sadie really misses him.  She literally cried when he loaded into Sandras van and she saw him leave.  She goes to a different Colorado rescue in 2 weeks.  I really hope the 2 rescues communicate and the dogs can get adopted together.  I did email both.  Zoe goes in 2 weeks too, to the same rescue as Sadie but they are not a 'friendship'. 
   The elderly veteran is no longer in the adoption picture.  His daughter put the breaks on to him getting a dog.  She checks in on him and helps him so guess she didn't want the trouble of a dog.  It really sucks.  Parents sacrifice for their kids for 18 years and then when they need some sacrifice in return, it does not happen.  Most are so damn self centered.  See it way too often.  Like "just die so I can get your stuff and get back to my own life".  My heart breaks for him. 
9/8:  Bitter sweet.  Only Hank will be leaving Monday.  Another CO. rescue may take Sadie and Zoe but too late to get them a spot and I just cannot keep paying for transport to KC one dog at a time.  Shiloh's adoption may have fallen apart.  A daughter that looks in on him and helps him has allergies to dogs.  We are still working on this.  Daniel with Hank, who is only a block away, would be happy to pick up Shiloh for a few hours when the daughter is there.  I told the gentleman this so we will just have to see.  He is devastated.  Adult children can be so self centered.  See it all too often.  Ryan, the trainer may have a place for Beth Ann.  That would be so fabulous!  Eventually Kathleen is taking Lakota. That would leave Kashi, JoJo and Sadena, not counting the wild bunch. 
9/7: The dreaded feeding time approaches.  This is the most stressful time.  It use to be so easy.  Making sure Kashi does not wander into someone elses bowl because of her specific diet need and making sure Sahara gets to eat are taking their toll on me.  16 in the house and I was fine. but 18 is too many.  Moved one and my heart is breaking for him. I keep giving in.  He's going to get whip lash going back and forth.  One leaves Monday for sure.  I'm hoping it will be 2, 3 or 4. 
9/6:  I can't continue.  The more stressed I get, the harder it is for the dogs.  They react in negative ways.  I try to keep even, but the highs are not there.  Just lows and lower.  I can't remember.  That is the hard part.  I make mistakes with food and medications.  It is all too complicated.  Four different kibble.  Hank needs on expensive canned to get him over this yeast infection.  He needs to be on transport in a week.  If I make a mistake with Kashi's food, I could kill her.  I got the bowls mixed up this morning and was not sure what I had put in hers so I dumped it in the "does not matter' bowl that gets mixed in with all the uneaten food which goes into a bowl for the wild bunch.  It does not matter if they get some low fat, some senior and some adult.  They will be fine.  It is just ceratain dogs that need specifics and I get so mixed up.  Everyone has a different colored bowl with their name on it and a code "A" adult "S" senior "LF" low fat "G" grain free.  I still get mixed up.  Then I look at a dog and see a different dog, putting down a bowl not intended for that dog.   Everyone has an assigned place, but sometimes they switch in me.  The adoptables, do anyway.  The old 6 have been eating in the same place for 6 to 10 years.  But sometimes one of the 'new' ones will edge them out. 
    I have about 60 seconds from Goofys first bark to get him out the door.  If I am not out of bed, I jump up and slip in to shoes with only a T-shirt on.  It is usually dark and we stay on the grass behind the fence, but not always.  No one wants to see my bare rear end if Goofy happens to rub against my T-shirt. 
    Sometimes he just wants attention.  Sometimes he needs to go out.  I wish I knew which one.  If I just pet and comb (comb is on my desk), the poop falls out on the floor.  If I get up and leash him, we end up standing in the driveway for 15 minutes with him looking at me in bewilderment as to why we are outside in the hot sun.    
9/5: A comment I made on FB in response to the living condition of AMERICAN Indians on reservations. 
So sad. Equally sad is the people I have encountered while rescuing dogs. A Vietnam veteran lived in a barn. No insulation. cracks between the boards. Dirt floor. rusty tin roof. One electrical cord running from the pole outside with a hanging light bulb attached. Water was hand pumped up from the stream and carried to the goats in buckets. Toilet was an outhouse. Furniture consisted of a mattress on the ground and table was a plank on 2 tree stumps. They had no refrigerator. Just an ice chest. Their 'stove' was a Hibachi grill which also served as their heat in the winter. Their pick up did not run so his wife walked 2 miles to the main road and hitched a ride to her job at Wal-mart. He would walk the 2 miles to try to hitch a ride to the VA hospital 50 miles away and then hope to get a ride back. They had a minimum plan call phone so he never answered incoming calls. It was for 'emergencies'. He needed to save his minutes.
      People dumped their dogs. He was big hearted and would not let them starve. He was trying desperately to find them homes but had no resources to do so. Initially I took 5 pups. When he was dying 2 years later he called me to take the momma and daddy of those pups. Chipi is still with me today. Has been for 9 years come Christmas.
      If I had known then what I know now about circumventing VA red tape, I could have helped them.
      Just one of many sad "human stories" I have encountered.

Evening.  Allergies.  they started yesterday.  Nose is running and I can't stop sneezing.  Goofy doe not understand I do not want to take him for a walk when I walk out the door and feel like I'm suffocating.  It has not been a good week.  But then none ever are anymore.  I need an attitude adjustment.  It is all about the 'quitting'.  Going on is too hard.  Quitting is too hard.
9/3:  Woke up with ambition but it soon vanished.  It was such a beautiful day outside but allergies hit.  Decided to do come things in the shop, but could not find where I had put things I needed.  So much for that.  Was going to sew but forgot to bring down glasses.  Buy now I was too frustrated to do anything.  Wanting to do things and not being able to is so frustrating.  It's either I physically can't or I mentally can't remember. 
   I had some positive stuff happen but then my call was not returned so don't know if things went south or not.  I was so excited.  Then this unknown. 
   I got Hank scheduled to go to CO on the 13th.  Need to get him either to Rogers or KC on the 12th.  Not sure how.  He could have left in a few days but with Monday being a holiday, I could not get his HC in time.  I just can't handle any of this.  I'm on overload and breaking under the pressure.  This is stuff I use to handle without a problem.  I just want to sit down with my old guys and give them the attention they have missed before they are not here. 
9/2:  Almost 9/3.  Not sure who is barking but it is incessant.  For several hours it was because the shepherd was out running around.  I finally, when Tracy did not answer his phone, I went down and got the dog in.  Now my allergies have kicked in.  Sneezing and sniffling.  And my stomach hurts.  I did sleep for a little while but the barking woke me up.  Actually it was  good because that knee locked up on me.  If I lay with them straight, they lock up.  If I curl into a ball around a pillow, it keeps me moving and semi conscious.  A deep sleep may be good for rest but not good for the muscles and all those other things holding the bones together. 
   Appraisal is good.  It is at the high end of  the range I expected.  Not near as much as I had hoped for, but after looking at the market and comparables, I am satisfied.  Now I just need to find someone with money who wants a dog rescue or training facility.  Then I won't have to take down anything or clean anything up.  If it goes to a realtor, it will go up $50K without throwing in all the extras that would go to a rescue.  Basically there would be $100K benefit to a rescue. 
    Randy will be looking at the Hagerman property tomorrow for me.  Got a lot of questions that need answered.  Glad I talked to Brenda since she was a realtor.  Told me things to be certain about like septic.  That could be a huge problem since the property was split and the mobile was added on to.   Bet the septic was rated for 2 bedroom but now there is 6 so size would be a much larger requirement.   I am so ready to move, but to do so, the old guys will die.  That is a real hard place to be emotionally.  Not fair to move them.  This is the only real home they have known.  Most have been here at least 9 years. 
    I fell hard yesterday.  No clue how I managed to get my foot tangled in the leg of a toddler bed.  Was sitting on it petting Lakota and when I got up, the bed came with me.  I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want my fur kids left uncared for until someone finds me.  Guess I need to teach one to dial 911 and bark frantically into the phone. Those life alert things have a range and the shop or on the hill is not in that transmitting range so would do no good.  And I have no phone in the shop and no cell reception.  Maybe teach one to open a door and go to the house to phone. 
   Dog have stopped barking.  Stomach still hurts.  Going to try to get some sleep.  Outside light is on, but if I turn it off, it will trigger barking "Oh look, mom is going to bed.  Lets chase off all the predators". 
8/31:  2:38 a.m.  I'm afraid to go back to sleep.  I woke up a few hours ago and my knee was locked up.  The pain was as bad as a charlie horse.  I could barely bend my body to reach my knee.  I had to use my other knee to massage the locked up knee.  I was like this for nearly an hour.  People don't understand when I say I can't sleep.  They say sleep in the recliner or sleep in a different position.  When I sleep, I am not in mental control of how my legs and arms end up.  I don't sleep because I hurt and when I sleep, this happens, which hurts way more.  I'm so tired but I have to fight to stay awake which has become habit. I can't make a wrap or a brace.  The locking is there in ALL positions.  Restraining movement IS the problem.  I need a machine that will keep my knees moving.  This is a muscle issue.  My bones are fine.  Because my doctor can't see 'anything wrong' on x-rays, he just doesn't get it.
     Azuca and Mini have been at boarding 2 nights waiting for transport to Colorado.  I worry so much about their mental state.  They have to be so confused.  If a dog is adopted from here, people pick it up or we meet.  The dog is with a person, not caged next to a bunch or other dogs having no idea what fate awaits them.  I just can't stand this!!!  Dogs are so trusting and loving and loyal by nature and then we humans screw it all up.  My heart is so fragile; my emotions are like walking on a thin layer of ice, knowing at any moment I will either slip and fall, or go crashing through into freezing water below.  But I can't turn off my brain.  Out of  sight, out of mind is not me.  Out of sight, embedded in my constant thoughts.  Crap about 'worry insults God' is just that... crap.  Anyone who is that fricken confident in themselves is an arrogant fool.
     I just posted that damn sofa on the yard sale site.  What part of "don't text, this is a land line, don't comment as I won't see it" do people not understand.  How much clearer can I get!  The damn thing is free.  I am not taking time to go take pix or read comments!  And what the F*^@#  are so many people doing up at 3:39 a.m.  Can you tell I am tired!!  Can you tell I am hurting?? Guess I will go lay down, try tucking pillows under my legs so if I fall asleep, my legs will fight the pillows and keep in motion. 
8/28:  Slept restlessly.  So much pain.  No matter how I lay or where I lay, something hurt. 
      Had help today.  Got a lot done in 5 hours. Dog food restacked, nails trimmed, ears cleaned plus the usual.  It was just too hot to get much outside stuff done. 
    Azuca and Mini leave tomorrow.  Such mixed emotions.  I am so torn!  I want them to have homes, not transferred to other rescues, yet, I do not trust myself to make good decisions.  I know BDHP makes great choices where the dogs go.  I wish I could explain to the dogs that they are going to a great place where they will have snow and get to go hiking.  Where they will have a family to love them the rest of their life.  I hurt inside knowing how confused they are going to be over the next several days in transport.  And how they will be confused settling in with new people.  I can't make magic.  I can't fix anything.  I can't take care of so many.  There is so much I should do but I am so overwhelmed, that it seems like all I do is the bare essentials.  I dread tomorrow.  Azuca and Mini leave with Sandra at 7:00 a.m.  (She is a God Send as I could not handle getting them to where they need to be).  7:30. Shiloh goes in for spay.  It is one of those 'what is the right decision' things.  She needs to heal more...but... if she comes into heat, it will set the healing process way back. 
     Then at 9:00 the appraiser will be here.  I need to know what to expect to get for this house so I can plan accordingly.  I am so afraid it will not be what it really should be.  Looking at comparables, they are less then I would expect the asking price to be.   Actually much less.  So this whole thing makes me nervous.  It was $343K in '06 before the garage was turned into a family room and the 2 1/2 car garage built.  Before the office in the shop was turned into an apartment.  Before 2 new heat pumps were installed.  Before the iron fence was built.  But the economy and the pending election will have a huge impact on everything.  If it comes in under $375K I will be devastated.   We have close to a million into it but some things just do not 'add' to an appraisal.  Marble floors are 20x more expensive then carpet, but carpet rates higher.  But then who makes up these 'rules' anyway?  Probably some idiot with a slide rule and a condo. 
8/27:  Another night I can't get 'sleepy'.  Sleepy all day but too much to do.  Now I just ache but can't lay down.  Be glad when Monday gets here and Mini and Azuca will be on their way to KC and then onto BDHP on Wed.   I was going to move Beth Ann and Sadena back with hank, but I am seriously considering putting Sadie with him.  She loves to play and so does he.  She is a bit of a bully about others getting near me and she is giving off evil vibes to Kashi.  Mini is being snarky to Hanna.  So I need to get things back in control so no one is bullied... well, no one except Cotton and I don't know how to fix that.  .
8/24:   Not sure who is barking.  Maybe Beth Ann or Sadena.  It is coming from that yard.  I wanted to go to bed, but may end up on the loveseat.  The wild bunch will let me in but Pumpkin does not think I belong in there and barks at me all night.  If I go to the spare bedroom, I have Sadie on the bed, Shiloh being a grump and not wanting anyone else in.  Poor Hanna and Sahara are barked away.  The love seat is pretty comfortable but if I want to lay on my other side, I have to switch ends or my butt falls off. 
   Really cleaned today.  Gal came and we both worked on floors.  Area rug I had put down for Shiloh had been christened so steam cleaned it.  Another is pretty bad so it is in the garage.  Not sure I want to take the time it is so bad.  If I knew the air compressor would not blow up, I would make a few.  I miss doing them.  Miss doing a lot of things. 
   So thirsty tonight.  Been drinking water.  Should have stuck with it.  Drank chocolate milk and now feel like crap.  I just got up off the floor (a major accomplishment) from working on Leslie.  Both sides are done.  I did one side night before last.  Still need to trim her pantaloons on one side.  I had only grabbed the comb and not the scissors.  Once down, I just don't get up for anything until I'm ready to stay up and move on. 
     Lower light is out again.  Don't know what's wrong this time.  I really need it if I am going to walk dogs at night.  Rick and Althea should be over in a week or 2 so hopefully I will remember to ask Rick to fix it. 
    10:20 and when one quits barking another one starts.  Useless to go to bed until they are all asleep.  I need to find those ear plugs.  They were by the bed... but then if I don't hear Goofy, I have a bigger mess to clean up in the morning.  I'm tired...so very tired. 
8/23:  I got a nap today.  I really needed it.  Slept 2 full hours.  When I got up I had the energy to crate test Azuca.  She passed.  She is going to Colorado in a week so need to be sure there are no new experiences that might freak her out.  I hope they have room since she is taking Hanks spot and he is smaller.  Mini will go too.  A relief to have 2 going but with 2 returns coming in, not much relief. 
8/22:  If it were not for the precious few, I would not care if I see tomorrow.  I just cannot take this anymore.  I can't get a nap.  I can't get to sleep except dozing off at the computer;  the few minutes I do sit down during the day.  I go to bed hurting.  I hurt all night.  I hurt all day.  I especially hurt when I do get to sleep and then wake up.  That is the worst.  My body curls into the position I always slept in but that position makes the biggest problems now.  Even my Monday back massages is not relaxing me anymore.  Constant work, constant moving is the best for less aches, but too exhausting.  And the fingers...oh the fingers when I grab anything.  I forget and reach around to move the pillow.  I can't.  I try to button my levis.  I can't.  I try to snap the clip in my hair.  I can't.  I just want Goofy, Zelda, Sahara, Parker, Hanna, Cotton, Leslie and Freedom.  I'm ok with Cola, Patty, Pumpkin, Fraz and Emo because I know they will never bond with anyone else but me.  But the rest need gone.  I love them.  I care.  I just can't take care of them.  April coming back from adopter.  Kashi coming back from foster.  No one leaving.  I don't even know.... 26, 27, 28 .I don't know.  I just fill bowls.  I only count the wild ones bowls because Cola totes them to parts unknown.  One has been missing for several weeks and did not even find it when the yard was mowed yesterday.  Did find my missing shoes.  One in one yard and the other in the other yard. 
   Goofy is as tired and confused as I am.  I lost count of our walks today.  Once he went out and just stood by the car.  He hates car rides.  I could not get him to budge.  I opened the door and he got in.  I went to get the keys to drive him around the neighborhood.  When I came back, he had gotten so excited the poop fell out on the seat.  This is so typical of my days.  Then tonight I went to pick up the 2 food bowls in the family room.   I had put area rugs all over so Shiloh would have traction on the slick floor.  The pure white one had pee on it.  Lifting it up, it had went through in a huge circle 2' x 3' at least.  I rolled it back and mopped the floor.  I hope the urine does not damage the finish on the floor.  Too tired tonight to pick them up.  Can't handle the big ones anyway.  But got to get them out of there.  I am worried the red ones have urine on them too.  This is not 'accidents'.  This is PROTEST!  Zelda and Parker.  This is their way of saying "too many dogs in the house".  Hanna could be in on it too.  Goofy and Sahara never go out there.... guess Chipi could be in on it. 
     It is dark.  It is 8:00 p.m.  It is time to turn on some lights and take a bath.  Then the decision of where to sleep.  I will upset half of them no matter where I decide. 
8/18:  Have I mentioned how tired I am?  Between hurting dogs and sick dogs and old dogs. things I bought that are a major issues to return, so much rain the grass can't get mowed even if I had someone to mow it, seed ticks eating on me, being on hold for 20 minutes only to get someone who doesn't speak English who eventually transfers me to a supervisor who doesn't speak English, a wire protruding from the ground that I do not know what it is for...  , I'm just an emotional wreck.  I should be devoting my time to my old guys, not a 1 minute pet on the head as I walk by or a 10 minute walk twice a day.  If I could get up after getting down on the floor I would feel so much more useful.  I would not be sitting at this computer, stopping to pet and comb as some come to visit for attention if I could move less painfully. 
     Shiloh is at the vet getting the paw un-bandaged.  I hope we are done!  I am extremely concerned as I think it is harming the bionic leg.  Azuca is also in there for hip x-rays.  When either one is done, I'll trade out and take Hank in.  The potential adopter needs to be sure a dog she chooses as a balance dog has good hips.  She wanted to pick and then do x-rays but they do not do x-rays on Saturdays and the Sat. appointments are booked weeks in advance.  I was lucky to be able to do drop offs for today.   I want to take a nap, but not knowing when the vet will call, I can't.    
8/17: No nap the past 2 days.  I really do better with a nap.  5:30 p.m. and I am trying to unwind.  I am just on overload and ready to implode.  Yes, that is the word I intended. 
    Hanks test were negative.  Just a touch of yeast in his system so so light food to give his GI tract some rest.  Lady will come with trainer next week and evaluate him.  But she will also be looking at Azuca as an option.  Azuca is new, like 8 hours ago.  Not even got her on my site yet.  Put her on Facebook trying to avoid personally taking her.  Time ran out and no responses.  Brought her here and all of a sudden 3 people are interested.  Usually it is the other way around.  But she is so beautiful.  A new photo is all it took.  And she gets along with Lakota.  I should say Lakota gets along with her.  I think he is smitten by her beauty and size. 
     As for the rest of the day.... UGH.  Lovely young lady came to clean... but... she broke the vacuum I bought new just 6 weeks ago.  Was on the floor trying to fix it.  Total waste of probably 45 minutes.  I called Lowes.  They said Bissell needed to send a return authorization.  Bissell said they don't do that.  It is up to Lowes.  I went round and round.  They sent a return shipping label for it to see why it is broke.  Of course that puts me without it for who knows how long.  I'll have to tote that damn Miele in to get fixed or the Riccar to get re-fixed after I paid $70 to have it fixed and it wasn't.  I am so sick of 'disposable' junk.  I don't want to pay $120 for something that breaks in 6 weeks or $700 for something that breaks in 8 months.  I want something like the energizer bunny that just keeps going!!! 
   Anyway, in the time wasted with the vacuum, I could have saved myself both a $120 vacuum and $50 cleaning cost if I had just cleaned the floors myself.  It is so frustrating to have always been a person that does it all myself.  Needing help and everyone is incompetent makes me just want to scream, cry, throw things and find a cave.  I want to hand over my life to someone and say here, you see if you can do just half as good as I did. 
    I'm tired!!!  Geeze, half the time I can't remember the dogs names.  I can look straight at some and total blank.  Almost always, so far, remember the sanctuary dogs ( I do get Sahara and Hanna mixed up).  I space out on Zoe, Sadena, Sadie, Shiloh, Mini and Hank.  Not forgot Lakota or Beth Ann or JoJo yet. 
8/16:  So tired.  Can't sleep.  Just want some peace.  I want to spend time with MY dogs.  My time is spread too thin and I will regret the attention they did not get when they are gone.  Goofy struggles.  He is here beside me.  I have cleaned up pee and poop several times a day.  I don't mind.  He is embarrassed.  He can't always find me and he can't make it to the back door.  I walk him at least 3 times a day but sometimes he just wants attention, not walked.  So we stand on the front porch.  Then after we come in, within a few minutes it all comes out.  He just can't help it.  He feels bad.  Sahara is begging for attention.  Something she has not done before.  This just started a few months ago.  It is hard for the dogs to stand for attention and it is hard for me to get down to pet them when they lay down.  It is hell!  My fingers still hurt.  More then ever.  I'm sure I completely damaged them again.  I just can't function one handed.  It takes 4 times as long to do things, not just twice as long.  It takes me a good 10 minutes to get my legs to move in the morning because my knees have locked up.  When I do sleep, I try not to sleep too soundly because I will end up in a position that locks up my body.  Everything is hell if I do and hell if I don't.  Candy says I need to take my happy pills.  If my brain is saying everything is great, my body will only end up in worse shape.  I have to stay in reality and this reality is exhausting. 
8:14:  Hank had to spend the night at the vets Friday night to get a fecal.  Then they have to send it off because Anna is not ordering the test kits!  Every time I am in there, which has been every day this week, sometimes several times a day, someone has commented on how high their charges have become.  Obviously they don't think about a 5 minute visit with a doctor is $140 compared to a 20 minute visit with the vet for their animal being $45.   Vets are smarter then doctors.  They have to know more.  Humans anatomy is all the same.  Each animal has multiple differences. 
    It is 4:00 a.m.  Been awake for an hour and a half.  Sadie continues to scratch.  The Seresto collar has been on her for a week and it is proving useless.  Cotton has one on too, for 2 weeks.  I'm not sure on him as I'm not in that bedroom.  I need to sleep in there the next few nights and see if he is still scratching too.  I need to return $400 worth to Thaiwan!  I had no idea that is where the second bunch was coming from.  Cheapest rate is around $75 because of a duty fee.  I was really stupid not to check, but I could not find anything stating where they were coming from without digging into the fine print.  If the 2 legitimate collars were working, I'd take a chance on these, but they are not.  Cedarcide did send me some products because what I bought from them is not working.  They are so easy to deal with and so reputable.  I should stick with natural products and steer clear of chemicals.  The mild winter has just made life miserable as far as 'biting insects'.   Having so much summer rain washing away all the applications has not helped.  Not having the grass mowed every week contributes to the problem.  With rain and heat, it honestly grows and inch a day. 
     April is coming back.  More on that later..
8/12: I need to get Hank in for a fecal to see if it is coccidia or giarrdia or nothing.  I started to walk out the door, forgetting the phone guy is coming.   I just can't remember things.  I put the ear medicine in my pocket for Zoe and brought it right back to the house, totally forgetting.  I forgot my glasses when I went to feed so fumbled through the prescriptions as I do recognize each dogs correct pills. 
    My nap yesterday really helped.  Especially since I didn't get to bed until 11:30 (some idiot called at 10:30 needing to find a place for his dogs).  Then Hanna decided to jump on the bed and wake me up at 4:30.  Of course, I had already been up once to take Goofy out to potty about 2 a.m.  I did wake up with some ambition but that vanished fast. 
    My routine is to take Goofy out first.  If I am 'running behind' and it is 6:30, I just take him out wearing my night shirt.  Today I had plenty of time to get dressed.  Took him, Parker and Zelda.  That never satisfies him.  He likes his 'alone' walk with me.  So when we got back to the house, he stops in the driveway.  I can usually leave him and he just stands.  After taking Zelda and Parker inside, it was running late so I needed to get Mini and Shiloh out to potty.  Goofy was obviously mad at me for sharing his time.  He did a little sniffing and we walked a short ways onto the grass.  He stopped.  I draped the leash over his back and left him to stand.  Well, he decided to road looks interesting.  I am down the hill with Shiloh who can barely move at a snails pace with her messed up legs.  Mini would take off if I dropped her leash.  I let Shiloh's leash go and mini and I ran to the road and caught Goofy.  I can't leave Shiloh in the front yard.  I can't get Goofy to move.  I can't leave and take Mini inside.  I am about in tears.  Three dogs wanting and going in 3 different directions.  I practically had to drag Goofy down the hill to get Shiloh as she continued her 'away from the house' journey.   No matter how early I get up and how well I plan, mornings are hell.  I just don't know how to change the routine where it will 'work' as long as I have crippled dogs that have to be escorted to potty.  Goofy ended up pooping in the house.  Not his fault.  I just could not accommodate dogs in 2 different directions. 
     It is 9:30 A.M. and I am already ready for a nap.  The vacuum is out but may not get used.  I did manage to put the clean dishes away out of the dish washer.  No choice as the sink was overflowing with dirty ones.  So many trips to put them away since these sprained fingers do not grip.  I can carry a few thing with them, but nothing breakable or heavy.  Same with the full dog dishes.  I use to make 2 trips from the laundry room with the food bowls.  Now I make 4. 
    My heart is breaking for The dogs that are not in the house.  They look so sad.  With the phone installed in the shop, Lakota will get more time.  JoJo is my biggest concern.  He deserves full time in the house.  If I could .... I don't know....  I have 15 with free run, and 2 in the family room.  If JoJo came in, Zoe would have to come too because I am not sure her and Lakota would be a good pair.  Beth Ann has made her own barriers so, although I feel really bad for her, in the house is not an option.  Sadena is, but would be a real 'project'.  Her and Beth Ann can just keep the shop.
   It really is not so much about numbers, but who I can manage to get along with each other.  Cotton is still 'odd man out' on both sides but is being much more accepted by Parker then he is by Freedom.  JoJo would be the 120 pound Leprechaun bouncing around oblivious to who he was stepping on or knocking over.  That could trigger fights between others because by the time they realized they had been stepped on, JoJo would be long gone and who ever was closest would get the blame. 
   Suddenlink guy just left.  He was really nice.  Apparently when I had the septic instillation disaster 3 years ago they severed the line and did not put it back together right.  Of course it is buried and fencing is encircling it and a back hoe could not get in here without spending 2 days taking down fencing, not just kennel panels.  GRRRR!  I want to scream.  No point in calling the guys that broke it.  They will definitely not come fix it at this point.  
8/10:  Pumpkin will not shut up.  I guess I will have to close them onto their side.  I want to go to bed, but unless she shuts up, I won't get to sleep. 
    Leslie had the cyst removed from her tail.  We re-check on Monday .... or maybe it is Friday.  Dog food tomorrow.  Shiloh vet tomorrow.  I'm out of milk so need to go to the store early to fit it in.  Hank, Sadena or Beth Ann has diarrhea.  It seems to jump around.  They are in the same yard.  I guess I will have to separate them to know who it is this time. 
     Four walks today and Shiloh has not pooped.  I don't remember her going yesterday but she might have.  Days run together.  I'm tired.  I'm not managing.  I put on a good front but inside I'm falling apart.  I'm forgetting things.  I keep grabbing things with my sprained fingers.  The pain is horrible and it swells up like a mini charlie horse on my index finger.  I'm frustrated because I can't even open the lid on a milk carton without pain.  I can't lift a dish.  Washing the dog dishes hurts.  Buttoning my levis and pulling up the zipper is a major project.  Turning the key off in the car is impossible without reaching over with my left hand.  I just can't do anything that requires me to grip.   When I get up in the morning, my knees are locked.  It takes a few minutes to get them to bend.  I wrap around pillows but in my sleep, I straighten them out.  Then they kind of freeze in that position.  Mornings are just awful.  Pain, struggling to get dressed then racing to get Goofy out before he opens the flood gates.  Once Goofy has emptied his tank, then I get Shiloh and Mini out.  Putting Shiloh's boot on is so hard on my fingers.  She is so good to cooperate, though.  We walk and we walk and she just wants to get back in the cool room under the AC.  Her tank is bigger then Goofys but she still has control of it.  Almost too much so.
    A brief quiet.  9:40.  I'm going to try to go to bed and to sleep.  I almost dread it because of the pain of getting up.
8/8:  11 p.m.:  I was up from 1 to 5 and then slept until 6:30.  Dressed.  Got Goofy out the door along with Parker and Zelda.  Then walked Sahara and Hanna and Goofy again.  Then Chipi, Sadie and Cotton. Then Shiloh and Mini out the door to potty.  That took forever.  It always does.  Grabbed Zoe and off to the vet for blood tests, mange tests and bath.  Home to feed.  Then back to vet with Leslie.  Her tail will need surgery Wednesday.  Home and finished feeding.  Made some breakfast and ate while I checked messages.  Ordered dog food.  Checked on the legitimacy of the Seresto collars I bought.  Not enough time to call Bayer so will do that tomorrow.  Called the glass lace about my broken glass in the door.  I will have to take photo and measure for estimate or wait a week.  Took an hour nap.  Took Mini in to vet for shots and HW test.  Got my massage.  Back to the vet to pick up Zoe, Leslies pills and test results.  All good!  Found a lost dog.  Picked it up and put it in a yard.  Took pix.  Made posters for the post on the corner.  Posted them on the local lost and found.  Wrapped Carries glasses that she forgot so I can mail them to her. Fed the dogs.  Doctored Cottons ear.  There must have been a fight.  Walked Shiloh and Mini. Dust mopped the floors.  Vacuuming will have to wait.  My aunt called.  I took a bath.  I walked Mini and Shiloh again.  Shiloh has not pooped in 24 hours.  Still no success.  Grabbed the last cup of pudding and checked messages.  It is now 11:15 p.m. and I need to get to bed....if they will just stop barking because the lost dog is crying... I might get a little sleep. 
8/7: Kathleen and Bob have been down for several days.  Huge help.  They always are.  And I so enjoy the company.  Being away from his home was very hard on Champ, their old Pyr.  I feel really bad. 
     Yesterday Carrie brought her 2 collage sons for the day and the three of them got a majority of my 'to do' list done.  Even a few things I didn't put on the list.  I am so grateful for the help.  Until the rain and sun go into high gear again, the yard will look nice. 
   Lisa took Kashi to foster.  Lisa is familiar with Pancreatitis so it will be better.  Shiloh Z will be here until a foster with rehab experience offers. .... and when pigs fly.  Hank and Mini are going to Colorado rescues thanks to Gail T. getting the word out.  I will only be left with one 'adoptable' dog and that is becoming 'iffy'.  Zoe either has mange or an allergic reaction to the flea pill Comfortis.  She goes in to vet tomorrow.  So will Leslie (tail check).  I really don't know how I will manage.  Leslie is hating it more and more.  Mini needs to go in for a HW test asap.  She also needs a bath.  Hank just had one.  Shiloh goes Thursday for foot bandage change.  Following week, Hank and Mini will need health certificates for their trip to Colorado rescues on the 23rd.
     I have so hoped Bob and Kathleen would be taking Lakota at some time this year but Bob wants to do some traveling.  It would be hard with Lakota.  I really am at my wits end with what to do about Beth Ann.  She was doing ok with Hank and even starting to play until I put the medicine on her burns.  Must have hurt and she reacted towards him.  She just needs to be an only dog in a home where she can wear the cone until she is healed.  She came July 26, 2015.  Just over a year ago.  She is no closer to healing then back then.  JoJo is still HW +.  I guess I need to just get the treatment and hope he doesn't die from it.  He is settling down but it is from severe depression.  Emotionally I can't handle all the sick and injured dogs.  I am not 'medical'.  Never have been.  It is just something I am not at all good at.  Never going to be either.  You just don't wake up on morning when yo are 71 years old and say "I could have been a nurse" when you still cringe at memories of loved ones pain 45 years after the fact. 
   4:00 a.m. so guess I will sneak back to bed and hope the wild bunch does not see or hear me.  They are in the livingroom, 40 feet away, but a straight visual shot.
8/6: Horrible storm last night. Worst I have experienced here in Arkansas since arriving 18 years ago. The thunder and lightening and torrential rain drowned out if there was any wind. I hope nothing was left outside that should not have been. It is still dark outside, so hoping there is no damage.
      I had 12 dogs in the small bedroom. There would have been more, but there was no room. Even Freedom tried to come in with me. Leslie and Cotton did manage and so did Fraz or Emo. Hard to tell them apart in semi darkness and a sea of white. Patty came in too. The 'wild bunch' usually don't venture all the way through the living room so they were really scared.
Parker was in hysteria. Bathtub to closet and back again. One boom scared him so bad he took off out the door! I grabbed my robe and shoes but he was luckily back in before I had to go get him. I closed the doggie doors and then counted heads. Thank God all were accounted for. Bear in mind, all dogs are white and everyone has a 'twin' very similar in looks. I kept wondering "Did I count Hanna twice? Did I count Chipi twice? Was that Zelda or Goofy I just stepped over?.........
     Dawn is breaking. Guess I better open the doggie doors and get dressed. Shiloh Z will need to go potty and it will be 6 more weeks until she can go out on her own, off leash, but still supervised.
8/3:  Shiloh has a foster offer.  Lisa that has Mollie.  Molly is crippled too.  Carries her back leg from an old injury that went untreated.  They have similar laid back dispositions so hope they will get along.  Molly has been suffering separation anxiety so this may work out well all the way around.  I don't know why I hesitated.  I certainly trust Lisa.  Guess it just came as a surprise.  Sometimes I just psych myself to "this is the way it is going to be" so takes me a minutes to re-adjust that thought process.
     Shiloh had 3 successful potty trips today so I am overjoyed!  Tomorrow we get the bandage off the pad, checked and re-bandaged.  This will be at least a 4 week process.  I want to do x-rays too, but will let Rob make the call as to when.  With all this money spent, I sure do not want anything to heal wrong. 
    Kathleen and Bob may come tomorrow and get a head start on some of the outside things.  Rain is predicted for Saturday so the inside stuff can get done if it rains.  I spent the day organizing the shop.  I will need to get gas in the gas container in the morning.  I need to grab a couple of smoke detectors.  I should take the van and get garden timbers.  These are so rotten, it is dangerous for the dogs.  May be just too much to get done in one day.  
8/2:  A really down day.  Only highlight was that Shiloh pooped and peed early and actually peed twice today.  But in the process I really hurt my sprained fingers getting her bag and sock on to go outside.  I actually cried in pain. They were getting better but they are swollen again. 
    I am trying to remember all the dogs medications but get mixed up.  The names are on the bottles in bold marker and 1 x 1 or 1 x 2 or AM or PM, but I have put a pill in the wrong bowl more then once.  Some times I catch it and sometimes I realize later the mistake.  Their names are even on their bowls. 
    I forgot Hank in the apartment kitchen.  I have to put him in there to eat so Sadena can eat.  Otherwise when he is finished, he takes hers too.  Luckily he raised a big fuss and I heard him. 
    Kashi is not to have kibble.  She is getting home cooked because of her pancreatitis.  I gave her the right bowl, but I did not watch.  I put the rest of the bowls down for the others and then noticed she had went over and was eating the kibble out of Sadies bowl.  I grabbed it away from her, but no idea if they switched or if she ate hers and was still hungry,  There was pills in hers too, so not sure if she got them.  I cannot stand watch over every dog that gets pills.  The 6 old timers know the rules, but Kashi and Sadie have not got it down yet. 
     I did take an hour nap.  Sure glad.  It is now 10 p.m. and something has gotten the dogs down below riled up.  I flipped on the light, but don't see anything.  Now one of the house dogs is joining in.  Not sure who.  Guess I need to take a flash light down and check.  Last time there was one dog barking, it was Hank trapped in the dog house by a snake.  
    I just can't keep this up.  Too many sick dogs, hurt dogs, old dogs. all needing something special from me. 
8/1:  August already.  Summer was rain, heat, rain, heat, bugs, bites, spray, rain heat, bugs bites.  It is almost 1 a.m.  I took a nap from 9 to 11:20.  Then walked the dogs.  They love to walk in the middle of the night.  Shiloh Z got home from Mizzou Friday.  Seems like a month rather then 2 nights ago.  Anyway, walked several dogs before her and made sure they peed in her area.  It did speed up the process considerably.  Stood out there a good half hour several times with no success.  Think it's pain and she just can't go.  Out of her Rymadol so gate her one of Goofys' Tramidol.  I have 4 months of this to look forward to!
     Lucinda got adopted.... twice in a few days!  She went after Pancho, Dave and Cecelias little dog so she came back.  Barely settled her in and got a fantastic application.  I had already shuffled dogs back.  Had the re-shuffle again when she left again.  But I got it right!  Beth Ann was happy to see Hank!!  She even made several 'lets play' gestures.  My heart just sang!  I also put Sadena in with them.  I had tried her with Lakota but he would not let her eat.  I still have to block the doggie door and feed her outside because Hank steals her food too, but she is coming inside.  She was afraid to with Lakota.  I had to pull up the doggie door flaps because she is afraid to go through when she can't see what is on the other side, but that's ok.  I should be able to put them back down in a few days. 
     Will be picking up Kashi in a few hours.  She spent the weekend at the vets on IV.  Pancreatitis.  I think that is going to add to my already over busy and stressful life.  From reading, it looks like something I will have to deal with the rest of her life.  Finding an adopter just went from good to crap.  She is a really sweet girl, but with so many health issues...  I guess she is just another "mine". 
    The greatest adoptable dog I have right now is Sadie D.  Everyone that meets her, loves her.  She just has some aura about her.  A magnetic pull.  Dogs, humans, doesn't matter. 
   Guess I will go back to bed and try to sleep until Hanna gets on the bed and paws me at 6:13 a.m. 
Evening:  I'm about to break down again.  This is all too much.  I did get back to sleep but have been going non-stop since 6:15 a.m.  It is now 6:15 p.m. and I have not had lunch.  I don't even have the energy to put a 3 minute frozen chicken alfredo in the microwave.  I itch.  I'm sweaty.  Been having headaches.  I rarely have headaches.  Just everything else hurts.  Anyway, Shiloh just does not potty.  This is just not normal to go once a day.  She drinks a lot of water.  How can her bladder hold it so long?  I take her out 4 times a day.  This is no easy feat.  The cone comes off. collar goes on. Plastic bag goes on the foot, then the sock.  Then getting her back up is a task.  Sometimes she just lays down and refuses.  So I undo the collar, put the cone back on and take the bag and sock off.  I'm afraid if the leave the plastic bag on, it will make the foot sweat and it might do damage.  Dogs cool themselves through their pads and she has one covered up.  Bills so far: $512.41 local + $3598.49 =  $4110.90.  Bandage changes, re-checks and x-rays to see healing progress, easily another $700 over the next month.  She will surpass Parker for highest dog.
    Then we have Kashi.  Home from the vet.  $263.50 2 weeks ago + Doxycycline I already had $84.00, plus current bill of $548.95.  Two years ago when she came, surgery at Mizzou was $2800.  I do not remember what the original bills locally were before she went to Mizzou.  Probably since there was full blood work and at least 5 x-rays and an ultrasound, easily $600.  And I have to cook for her, probably for the rest of her life or spend $10.50 a day on special dog food.  We have topped $4300.  With any luck at all she won't beat Parker, the past record holder, at $4800.  I'm tired.  I'm going broke fast. There are a lot of irresponsible people out there that I really hate. 
7/28:  I have 'unfriended' another person on FB.  I'm sick of stupid, naive, narrow minded idiots.  I'm sure there are people out there that think that of me, but I have history and age and wisdom on my side.  These are mostly the under 50 bunch who think 'history' is irrelevant.  World history is just as profound on our life choices as our personal history growing up.  We (hopefully) learn from our mistakes.  Yoiu stick your hand on a hot stove and you get burned.  Hopefully that lesson is learned and not repeated.  But when it comes to wars and the fall of nations, and the loss of freedom for the people, you just don't get a second chance.  Your ancestors (if there are any left) might, but your chance is over.  No 'lets re-think this'.  So if you want to elect Hillary, Killery, liar and thief, please just move on out of my life.  Trump may be an ass, but he is a smart ass and no one owns him.  We may not like the way he will put this country back on it's feet, but it is better then the alternative.  And for those who just don't 'see' what the alternative is going to be under Clinton, let me explain.  America will no longer exist.  The land will be here, and the name may or may not remain "America". The constitution will be destroyed.  Foreigners will move in and enslave the American people.  Those hamburger flippers demanding $15 an hour will be lucky to get any pay at all for 12 hours of hard labor 7 days a week.  The pied piper promised to rid the town of rats.  Hitler promised a superior race of people.  Jim Jones promised a Utopian existence.  Obama promised to bring all our troops home in 2 years.....  
7/26:  I should be asleep.  Small but noisy storm last night.  Dogs were huddled and quiet so I was asleep by 9:30 and wide awake by 2:30.  It is now 4:30. 
    Shiloh Z entered Ozark Dogs Rescue on the 18th but she was barely here.  Three days at my vets and then off to Mizzou for a shattered leg repair.  The repair went well and quickly, but she had a pad ripped off her other paw.  Luckily Mizzou treats the whole dog, and not just what is presented to them.  None of us noticed the paw because we were so focused on the break. She has spent a week there by the time she will be released.  The pad has been the problem.  I feel horrible I made her go outside so many times wanting her to potty.  She must have been in excruciating pain.  I have turned all the family room furniture towards the wall so she can't get up on it and injure the repaired leg.  I've brought rugs up from the basement and covered most of the floor so she will not slip on the tile.   I will be taking her into the vet everyday for 4 weeks for bandage changes on the paw.  I am looking for a vehicle she can get in and out of easily.  There is just no room on the floor in the car for her.  Even if I got the SUV back, it is way too high to lift her.  She weighs around 100 pounds.  The van does not have AC. so that is not an option right now.  Need a clunker I can pull the back seat out of.   Her healing time on the leg will be 4 to 6 months.  She is going to need a lot of my time so I have to get some of these outside dogs adopted so I will still have time for my house pack.  They are old and they need way more time then they are getting so will be even less when I am taking care of Shiloh. 
    I try to spend 2 hours a day with Lakota because I can relax and sew but that is not working out either.  That damn piece of crap overlock totally is worn out.  I have got to get an industrial one but every place I call, they barely speak English!  And they are pushy.  I wish I could remember who I called that was extremely helpful and knowledgeable about 8 months ago.  I should have bought then but didn't want to buy and then move it.  I thought then that I would be in Idaho by now. 
   I just deleted the page of a past adopted dog!  How can I forget one?  I thought it was one I didn't get.  Well, actually I didn't physically get her, but I arranged a foster and they adopted her.  I can't get the page back.  I don't know how.  Damn.  I should have went back to bed!  Too late now. 
7/19: Nightmares.  I'm not watching TV.  Not reading any books.  Not watching any videos or news reports on the computer.  Only taking an Aleve for pain.  Third night in a row.
     Kashi is trying to 'find her place' in the pack and not doing a very agreeable job of it.  She won't let the wild bunch in.  Of course she has picked up the cues from Chipi.  But Chipi is not going to take it to the next level.  I'm not sure about Kashi and neither are the wild bunch.  They know Chipi and that is not a threat, just an inconvenience. So while I gave up sleeping due to a nightmare and deer in the yard and dogs chasing them out and then Kashi not letting them back in... I'm up.  Walked Goofy, ...lord, I can't remember who I took with him... then walked Cotton, Leslie and Sadie.  I know I left out 3, but since some 'pretend' it is there turn and 5 were waiting, some bodies got left out.
     My stomach is in knots from the dream.  I'm afraid it will pick up again if I go back to sleep.  It is now 3:30.  I  got up at 1:30 to referee.  I went to bed at 10:30 and did not fall asleep right away.  I had started combing dogs at 9 because I wasn't sleepy.  I need to just say to hell with 'schedules' and nap in the day when the dogs do and likewise at night.  If I can get through this week, I just might do that.
     Getting Snowball back.  She was never really here but I arranged the adoption.  Allen is such a nice man.  He has tried so hard.  Her leaving the yard, barking at night, not eating and his worry about her is too much for him.  He's disabled and does not get around real good.  She is just too young a Pyr for him.  He needs an old one.  Anyway, I have worries about getting her here the 180 miles.  Bless Dave for volunteering.  He is always ready to say yes and I hate letting him do so much for me. If there was some way I could do favors for him, but I don't know what to offer. 
    Shiloh Z came yesterday, but directly to the vet.  She was hit by a car and the people just do not have the money to treat it.  So they signed her over to me.  They will foster her during her re-hab as I have no way to take care of a dog in a cast.  It's a win for the people, a win for the dog and in a round about way, well, not exactly a win for my checking account but it is just what I do. 
     I am letting a veteran house his 2 dogs in my lower yard.  He is in a mens shelter right now.  He has to come take care of them.  I just can't.  Got too much on my workload as is.  He says he will help me around here, so I hope he does.  Trouble is, I do not think he is a morning person.  And afternoons are just too hot.  I need the weeds in 3 dog yards cut.  I can handle one a day but getting out there before the heat is too much means dawn and the dogs having to wait quite late for breakfast.  I'm a creature of habit and anything that changes my routine confuses me and I forget things. 
    After sunrise:  Got Lakotas' yard cut.  Nancy and Betty came and we walked 15 dogs, 17 if you count Goofy 3 times.  Freedom still is not ready for leash.  Ate breakfast.  Went down and cut the grass in one side of the doggie duplex yard.  It will need raked, but too hot.  Have to do these things is spurts.  I love that my shower heads are on hoses.  Just turned on the water and stuck my head in the shower.  Getting sweat off your head really rejuvenates you.  Of course my clothes are stuck to me from sweat but I already changed t-shirts 3 times this morning.  Anyway, raking that yard is a must.  I'm going to need to use it.  I need to put JoJo in it BUT... I have to take the doors off and cut some off the bottom.  He is way too tall to go in without hurting himself.  If I get the other side of the duplex cut today or tomorrow, I may put him in there instead.  Much easier conversion of the door.  Or I might just go get a used door 36" door and make a new doggie door in it.  What is there now, on that side, is just a screwed in piece of thin fiber board that does not allow for human access.... unless you crawl on your belly. ... in the dirt and spider webs... 
7/14: Kathleen has been here to help since Monday.  My fingers are better as long as I stop bumping them into things or forget and try to use them.  We have accomplished a lot....mostly she has. 
     Not been feeling good.  Emotional wreck.  It will help that Whisper has a great home and leaving today.  I just need the perfect people for the others.  I really need down to 16.  I need to spend more time with the 9 old ones before there is no time left for them.  I just can't do this.  Rescue by one person is a mistake.  It takes many working together every day. 
7/10:  My fingers are still swollen and very sore.  But there are things that need done no matter what.  Guess I will go to Home Depot today and see how many coolers they have.  I can't scrub some that are really bed, so I'll just buy new.  They were too crusted from the hard water to get really clean anyway, so this is a good excuse to replace a few really ugly ones.
     I am losing faith in many adopters.  Some for good reason.  Some because they have dropped off the grid.  Percentage of good and fantastic is still very high, but I need 100% and any less just breaks my heart and shakes my decision making..  I can't believe people anymore.  Kashi was found roaming again.  I was called to take in a stray.  I had a hunch, so I said bring her.  Sure enough, but I would not have recognized her.  30 pounds underweight, matted to the skin, covered in fleas and this is not a recent situation.  She may have mange or just the worse case of fleas I have ever seen.  Skin is red and once the mats were cut away, many bald spots.  The mats were just hanging on by a few hairs.  I could not salvage any tail hair.  Just a solid mat.  And she is limping so bad, she whimpers when she touches the leg to the ground.  The leg would have healed.  Should have healed.  But I have been lied to for 2 years.  If Linda had an in with this county, I would have them up on Animal Abuse charges.  Linda would darn sure do it if she saw this girl.  Kashi would not even be a 2 on the court scale.  I may call her and ask her to meet me so she can verify in case they have some notion of getting her back.  Think I will.  They have no business with animals.
     Time to get dressed.  Hopefully I will be more successful then yesterday.  Two hands are required for (1) putting on a bra (2) zipping a zipper (3) tying shoe laces (4) twisting my hair out of my face.  I looked pretty bad yesterday! 
7/9: Typing one handed.  Did one of those "I knew better" things.  Grabbed a dogs collar.  He twisted on me and caught 3 fingers in it.  Felt like they were being ripped off.  Definitely sprained.  Swollen. Throbbed all night.  Made a finger brace by putting on a wrist brace up side down.
     Widget leaves this evening.  Whisper has what appears to be a great adopter applicant.  They came by to meet her yesterday.  She would leave next Friday.  I still need to give Lakota a friend.  He is not eating.  I have went down and sewed at least 2 hours a day for the past week.  I give him attention when ever he asks and when he doesn't ask.  I am very concerned.  He jusy acts like he is dying of a broken heart.  But as long as he has the propensity to bite, I am stuck.  So is he.  An outcast like Bear became.  Breaks my heart. 
7/7:  There is no let up in thunder storms and high humidity and high temps.  The rain is not cooling things down, at least not to anyones satisfaction.  The rumbles started a few hours ago.  The mist of rain is beginning.  I put 6 food dishes outside this morning.  Went out to pick them up.  Only found 3.  Saharas' has been missing since breakfast.  Someone snatched it right out from under her nose.  I trudged up the hill to find it. (It is her favorite dish) but no luck.  My shoes and socks got soaked because of the tall wet grass I have not been able to mow for 10 days.  It looks like it has not been mowed all summer.  Rain and sun will do that! 
    Anyway, I have no idea where the missing bowls are.  Four now.  I'm sure they are on the hill, but I just put dry shoes and socks on.  I don't feel like getting them wet and I sure don't feel like putting the wet ones back on, even for a few minutes.
    The wild bunch have really 'moved in'.  They spread out all over the livingroom.  Pumpkin is a problem with the old guys.  They are afraid to pass her.  I take the old ones all for a walk before I go to bed (and sometimes after.  And sometimes at 1 or 2 a.m. )  
     Widget leaves the 10th.  I will take him over to Sandra Campbells' after 4 on the 9th.  This will reduce my outside yard occupation to 2 yards!  Yeah!  It will increase my house population by one.  To 16.  Just 3 less waters to fill and one less yard to poop scoop.   I don't poop scoop for the house dogs because they all (well, most of the time) go way up on the hill.   I still have to poop scoop for the shop dogs.  So poop scooping for 7 dogs.  That is about 16 to 18 piles.  Some go more then twice a day.  Of course with the grass so high in their yards, I'm not finding a lot of it.  Hopefully it will dissolve from the rain, then have 2 dry days so I can get it cut. 
     I've re-directed 5 dog relinquishment requests this week.  Very hard to turn people down.  But very hard for me to keep going.  Some days I wake up and just do not want to get out of bed.  The heartache starts all over again.  Why can't anyone love JoJo?  He is getting stir crazy.   Eating the wall paper off the walls in the shop.  He has Zoie but he needs a person.  I guess he will join the house pack if I can figure out who to put Zoie with.   She is not a candidate to share space with my old guys.  I seriously doubt  she would get along with Lakota.  I could put her with Hank.  Put Whisper with Lakota.  Bring Lucinda to the house with JoJo.  But then Sadie D may be returning.  That would put my house pack at 18!!!   Way beyond order.  Way into potential chaos.  .... What am I thinking???  This already is chaos!  
7/4 afternoon:  Took a nap for about an hour.  Woke up hungry.  Ate stir fry.  It is always 'agreeable' but today it was not.  Coincidence, I don't know, but I feel like crap.  It is hot, but I am sweating profusely in a cold sweat.  No, I can't go to emergency because who would take care of the dogs?  When I don't feel good, I panic.  If I died on a Monday, I'd be found on Tuesday.  If I died Tuesday afternoon and it rained the following Tuesday, I'd be stinking rotted.  Don't know if the dogs would take advantage of a meal rather then starve.  I know, gross, but fact.  I can no longer be alone.  The outside dogs have got to go, for their own sake as well as mine.  I just cannot give any of them the attention they need.  Freedom is still limping.  Leslie is still limping.  I cannot get Freedom to the vet simply because he is too frightened, too heavy, and never been on a leash.  I have to get Widget in tomorrow for health certificate.  One of the 2 has diarrhea.  Metronidazol for both when I can make it down there.  Another worming for Widget just incase.  He has got to be able to leave.  Then I can condense to only 2 outside yards. 
  Apparently Sadie seems sad.  She may need a yard.  Such great adopters, but then so were the people who had Xena.  A yard just seems a must for all these guys.  Maybe a weekly play date here will help since they are close.  I want all adoptions to be happy for everyone. 
7/4: Weird morning. I must have been exhausted. I woke up at 8:11!!! It looked still dark but that was a silent storm. The dogs had all given up on breakfast. As I fumbled to find clothes, I noticed Leslie limping. Then Freedom limping with blood on his leg. I had closed the doors between the 'packs' around midnight. The wild bunch scare the rest and I end up mopping up pee in the morning. I needed a break. So it was obvious that Leslie and Freedom were not involved in the same incident. Freedom was my priority.
       Freedom is the 'wildest' of them all. He came 3 years ago as did the other 'wild ones'. He had been chained to an igloo with a chain slip lead that he had long ago outgrown. The people said "she" was crazy and they were just going to shoot "her". Well, if I left with no other dog, this one was going with me. About a week later we found the male body parts under the mats.    
        Because of the chain around his neck, I have never put a collar on him nor tried to walk him. Two and a half years just to get to touch him without him freaking. We did end up on the bed together. I did manage to cut away a few hairs and get the Neosporine on his wound. Definitely a bite puncture. No way could I manage to bandage it.
       I let Leslie back over into her comfort zone to eat with the others. Could not get Freedom off the bed. That is Cottons spot so this made me very nervous. I suspect the bite had come from Cotton. They are not the best of pals.
      And the rain continues to pour. I am soaked after feeding the outside dogs 
    
7/3:  Between thunder and fireworks, it has been very cozy in the bedroom.  Even Leslie and Cotton made the trek across the livingroom to be near me.  Patty, Pumpkin and one or 2 of the others were right outside the door.  Floor space was well taken.  Widget leaves on the 7th.  That will reduce yards by one.  I will either put Whisper in with Lakota, bring her to the house, or try swapping out Lucinda to Lakota, Zoe to Hank and Whisper to JoJo.  All will depend on who Lakota lies.  He definitely needs a friend. 
6/28: Willows left.  Great home.   Great dog.  Will be wonderful.  Sadie D. (aka puppy Dena) goes to vet in a few minutes.  We will see what the blood work and tests say that we did yesterday.  Her sister is 80 pounds.  She is 46.  She should be at least 75.  She is a total love.  I'm very worried about her.  She just won't eat.  a few bites and that's it. 
     Got the sliding door and window in yesterday.  That was hell.  Window was 4" smaller then what it was suppose to be.  I used bad language, that is how upset I was.  This is for the dogs so they do not have to bend to go outside.  Defeated the whole purpose.  Some fit fine, but Goofy still has to bend. 
6/25:  My daughter has been here for several days.  We have not been able to go any place special because there is too much to do taking care of the dogs, house and yard.  We have had a good time, though.  We've played scrabble and dominos making up our own rules!  Been so long since either of us has played, we couldn't remember the real rules. 
    We've hit a few thrift stores and yard sales today.  There was a deal on youtube how to make a car AC for your pets run off a 12 volt battery.  We did pick up some of the stuff but could not find any small personal fans.  May have to opt for new.  Don't know if we could find some obsolete computer fans to use.  I think they would work good. 
    I got her a massage yesterday.  She said not 'hard enough', so we have another scheduled for Wednesday.  I"ll tell him she wants hard like me.
    Her dogs are doing fine.  She has them in the shop and she is sleeping in the apartment.  Lakota got moved one yard over as did everyone else.  Old dog returning today but Willows not leaving until Tuesday.  Not real sure of who will go where.  Dena was just a 12 week old puppy when she was adopted out.  No idea what her personality will be here.  Hard on everyone, but life throws changes at people and they are not always compatible for all. 
    Dave came over and mowed a few days ago.  He has a guy he trusts looking for me a used zero turn lawn mower.  I cannot keep depending on other people.  My lawnmower terrifies me and it is worn out.  It will do for pulling the sprayed around as soon as I get the leaks fixed.  Just been so hot and the shop is full of stuff that really needs to be gone.  Anyway, I got a DR 8.75 trimmer/mower for the hills.  Self propelled and auto start.  When it cools a bit, I'll try it out.  Forgot to buy oil while I was in town so have to do that first. 
    Roast and potatoes yesterday and day before.  African Chicken today.  She is a big lunch eater.  I'm more big breakfast so we are both trying to balance the two. 
6/18:  A lot has happened in the past 4 days.  My daughters father-in-law passed away.  Sahara spent 2 nights at the vet on IV's.   Not even had time for pictures of the new girl, Zoe..  Mis-communication with Widget's adopter but got that straightened out.  Waiting to find out when Sandra Campbell will be heading towards VA with other dogs so he can go.  Grass and weeds in yards are over a foot tall.  I ordered a VERY expensive self powered sting trimmer/mower today.  Will be here in about a week.  If I can't find anyone to do it, I have to do it myself.  I'm not physically capable of handling either the lawn mower or the weed eater so had to buy something I can handle. I spent 5 hours in the shop with Lakota today.  10 to 2 and then again for an hour after I fed them.  I sewed a lot of collars.  Have 50 ready to put leashes on.  Teal is the color for this batch.  I will probably do red next.  It is my 'me' time.  
6/14: Sahara is not doing well.  She stopped eating 4 days ago.  Took her in yesterday for blood work.  Her liver levels are through the roof.  She will get an ultra sound tomorrow.  I feel terrible that I yelled at her.  But she was so scared in the car.  She kept trying to climb in my lap while I was driving.  It has been the longest 5 miles and back to the vet 2 days in a row.  and tomorrow we do it again.  Rachael is suppose to be here in the morning so hopefully she will be here early and can ride along. 
    I was suppose to actually see the vet but had to settle for a phone call.  The man brought Zoe.  She is a really pretty and unique looking girl.  I think she will be adopted quickly.  She is very sweet.  She is in with JoJo.  I did not want to leave her alone.  she has some food protection issues so it works out well.  I can put her in the apartment kitchen to eat.  Her and JoJo both inhale their food so no standing around waiting.  I will get pictures tomorrow.
     My son-in-laws father is dying.  He just lost his mom about a year ago.  I feel so sorry for all of them.  My daughter was so loved by them and she loved them.  My daughter has lost so many close to her in the past year.  She is so sensitive.  She is just broken hearted.  Everyone is there with Ken but she is home taking care of Nikki and the dogs. 
     I will be there next year.  I said I will move when my 6 old ones are gone.  I did not think Sahara would be the next to go.  I refused to let Goofy go and he listened!  I always thought Sweetness would outlive them all.  We just never know.  I fought so hard to keep Sally alive.  All for nothing.  I was only able to give her a short time.  She had love but she never was pain free.  I will be on the floor with Sahara for part of every night.  That is just how it is. 
6/10:  The past week has been a daze.  I brought Sally back to the house but she faded quickly.  I guess her aggression was the only way she could express her pain.  She just gave up.  I did all I could for her for as long as she would let me.  Then she just looked at me as if to say "I'm sorry.  I'm tired.  I just want to go to sleep....forever..."  Even her front legs would not hold her.  She never even woke up when the vet came and sedated her.  She passed so peacefully.  It hurts inside.  Sometimes we win and sometimes we don't.  All I have is knowing I did my best and that she knew that.  She knew I loved her.  She loved me too.
      God never lets me dwell on anything.  Too much to do.  More dogs needing help.  Took in 3 the same day.  Willows, Whisper and Widget.  Widget already has a home.  Not sure when he will be able to pick him up.  Chloe G. has a home.  She will probably leave this weekend.  I just need to make the calls and talk directly to them. 
     Dillon is doing great and still being perfect.  Just noticed Lakota is coming up on 2 years here too.  Seems to be a 'lucky' length of time.  JoJo here a year.  Beth Ann almost a year.  The wild bunch will be here 3 years next month!  JoJo, Lakota and Beth Ann are my biggest concerns as I just cannot provide them with the attention they need and they have been here just too long. 
6/3: I tried Sally back in the house but it was short lived. She cornered Goofy in the kitchen and kept lunging towards him. He was terrified. Since I already settled everyone in new places, she lost her shop space. She is in the doggie duplex. It was the only really level yard I have. She can't navigate hills.
       JoJo is still in the house although this is very hard. He needs the experience again. He is just so bouncy and big! He thinks my slippers are chew toys even when my feet are in them! He knows he has a captive audience when I go to the bathroom. Trying to close him out is futile. He tried to give me a breast reduction last night. His paws are huge and heavy. That hurt! He is also finding new places to 'mark'. I caught him almost every time in the living room so he moved to doing it in the kitchen. Caught him there, so moved to the bedroom. Pretty soon we will have to whole house christened. But then he will be satisfied.
      Lakota seems to like his new space. He is in my sewing room in the shop. He misses Xena. Want to introduce him to Lucinda and hope that goes well. I will give Chloe G to Hank. He loves to wrestle and play hard. Chloe G will be a good match for his energy. Laid back Lucinda will be a better match with Lakota. Hank has already chewed 2 new collars off her so as long as they are together she will just do without. So will Chloe G if they are together.
      A torrential rain is hammering down. I need to go get Chloe G from the vet, but it will just have to wait. Surely this can't last too long. Heaven will run out of water.
     A very sad time.  Solo will be crossing the Rainbow Bridge.  He was the only social one of the wild bunch.  I wish I could be there with him and JJ.  I know how bad she is hurting but Solo is in so much pain.  It is time.  I wish Patty was more ready to go.  JJ is going to be so lost without a furry friend. 
6/2:  Xena left for her forever home.  Debra came early so she could help for awhile.  I've been confused on the wild bunch so I scanned and she wrote down what color collar I put on each.  So much hair, can't tell from a distance, but if I am working on one, I will at least know who I have a hold of.  We combed on 2 for awhile.
    I just need a good applicant for the GSD puppy.  She got spayed today.  Leaving her overnight as not sure who to put her with or where.  She went under the fence to join JoJo when he was in the shop, but Lakota is in their now and that might not be in her best interest.  I moved everyone around.  JoJo is currently helping me type! He is very glad to be back in the house.  I'm having to follow him around so he does not mark.  Hopefully he will be over the 'urge' by tomorrow.  Sally is back in too.  Growling at everybody.  Will try to get some 'happy' meds for her tomorrow. I forgot to mention it to Sharon today when I called about other meds. 
    Beth Ann and Sadena are in the other apartment where Lakota was.   I still cannot catch Sadena so I just put Beth Ann on a leash and let Sadena run.  Took her awhile to find the open gate but she did not run off.   She had not ventured through the doggie door when I eventually came up to the house.  She probably has it figured out by now.  At least I do not have to worry about any pee or poop inside either room.  Spent well over an hour mopping up from Chloe G this morning.  Someone else is going to have to house break her.  My body can't do this much mopping.  Another reason why I probably hurt so bad tonight.  
    I combed on Pumpkin last night for 3 hours. She has a Baboon butt.  I was twisted in every position trying to do it without any help. Thought I had one area and was actually much higher on her rump then I thought.  When Kathleen comes, she can help straighten it up.  It is really bad!  I can hardly move tonight.  I did ok today. It is just now hitting me.  Took 2 Aleve.  Never did that before but I am really hurting and scared.  If my back goes, I'm literally down for several days.  Just can't happen.  Too many dogs to care for and too much to do. 
   Not sure where I will sleep tonight.  Been in my own bed since Friday night.  Door open.  Cotton, Leslie and either Patty or Pumpkin in with me.  I am afraid JoJo will try to get on the bed with me and Cotton is not going to allow that.  Guess I will sleep in the other bedroom or maybe on the love seat.  It is actually very comfortable.  Only disadvantage is someone always wants up there with me and there is absolutely not enough room. 
5/31: Heartsick. Sally has been here 5 months. 8 to 10 years on a chain before coming. Multiple health issues to well over $2000. (I quite counting). The final obstacle was the ears. They are almost completely cleared up. She has regained some hearing. But the better she feels, the more dog aggressive she has become. I have been able to run interference and the house pack has managed to live with a minimal of stress. But a few minutes ago she went after poor Goofy. He was trying to come back in the house through the doggie door and she physically went after him. Poor Goofy is the most laid back, submissive dog here. He is also probably the oldest and definitely the biggest. Literally twice her size. He does not bother anybody. I had to put Sally in the shop. I moved the GSD pup to the next yard and put Sally in with JoJo. I do not think she will go after him. He is younger, loves everybody and also twice her size. I do not think he would hurt her but he is agile enough to get up on the table to avoid her. This is not going to be a happy life for Sally. She needs a person in her last days, but it is going to have to be an only dog home. Odds on that are about a million to one. I just wanted her to have a nice 'end of life' since she had such a terrible life before. I am heartbroken that I have not accomplished that. I never would have anticipated her becoming dog aggressive.. She was my shadow. My velcro dog. But I was at the other end of the house when she went after Goofy
5/27:  Dillon left for his forever home.  Sarah was going to change his name but I told her I did not think it was a good idea.  Turns out that is also her boyfriends name!  I told her he could change his name! 
     An x-cop brought a GSD puppy over.  I offered him the apartment.  We will talk about it.  Lakota liked him.  I think he would be a great asset around here.  Anyway the pup has separation anxiety.  Had her up here at the house until just before dark.  She was working on eating my office chair.  She is with JoJo and I think that will work.  The shop feels like a house to her even no human is there.  Sally was quite jealous so Sally got a 'time out'.  I will bring "ChloeG" back up in the morning when I can keep an eye on her.  She is afraid of other dogs so I need to have her around my pack so she will be ok. 
     Beth Ann was fence fighting with her and scaring her so I moved them to the next yard.  Didn't realize I had left the other gate open until Sadena discovered it.  Luckily she came back! 
     Hope it does not rain tonight.  Train guy will mow in the morning.  This place looks terrible.  I'll call job services for someone to weed eat on Monday if it stays dry.  Seems we are having way more rain then usual. 
     I got the living room floor polished last weekend.  Guy did a good job, but it needs more shine.  I need to get into a supply place and ask what I need to use.  I want the floor to look like glass, as shiny as when it is wet.  It is a huge improvement though.  He will come once a month for touch up.  Getting on the floor to tape off baseboards will be the biggest thing.  That takes longer then the polishing. 
5/19:  Don't know what happened to the guy who was going to mow the grass.  It rained on Tuesday when he was going to come but has since dried out.  Afraid it will rain again tonight or tomorrow  Grass is so tall in the upper yard.  I don't care much about the looks of the front yard because the dogs don't go there.  Mainly concern for snakes in the upper yard.
     Sally is doing great in the house.  I had her in when she first came.  I just am so overloaded.  16 inside right now.  I need to get her in for her ear meds, but every time I am in a position to go, she is back to sleep.  She woke up while I was getting laundry in and out.  As soon as I grabbed the car keys, she was back asleep.  Tried to get her up before I started lunch but she was unresponsive.  As soon as she smelled the stew thawing in the microwave she was up.  As soon as I was finished eating, she was asleep again.  She does not function at all when her naps are disturbed. 
5/17: More then a bit pissed right now. Looked up a medication that I was pretty sure was causing severe side effects in Sally. All the sites I pulled up, first line was the same warning, do not give if dog has a history of blood disorders, anemia, etc. Well she does and it is well noted in the records. I am devastated. I should have looked it up before giving it, but I trusted. My heart is breaking because she has been so sick and this just added to it. I did call and leave a message that I was discontinuing it and why. We all make mistakes, but this should not have been one of them.
5/13/16:  There is just not enough time in a day, energy in the body or brain power to keep going.  Allergies.  Rain.  Ticks.  Summer heat is fast approaching.  AC's need put in for the dogs.  Upper yards need sprayed for ticks, etc.  Also mowing and weed eating.  Just done 2 weeks ago (a shitty job) and looks like was not done at all.  Rachael, a recent volunteer is great!  She is a huge help on Tuesdays and some Thursdays when she can come.  Althea is coming to help get the AC's in on Sunday.  Tim was a gem until he fell apart.  A shame for both of us. 
     Wild bunch are getting better by the day, except Fraz.  Leslie is staying on the house side a lot.  She likes her 'treat'.  Her thyroid pill in Braunschwager.  Sadena likes Rachael but not so much me.  Dillon has an adopter.  I will really miss him.  2 years is a long time, especially when most of that time has been in the house with the pack.   I'm not sure who will take his place.  It should be JoJo.  Love that lunatic.  But he would have to settle down or my guys would boycott.  I adore Hank.  He is so smart and so willing to please.  He would move in easily.  Lucinda is an easy girl too.  She would fit well.  Just not fair to JoJo as he has seniority.  Getting a new 'purebred' tomorrow.  Where have I heard that before?  We will see.  Male, intact, no vetted.  Typical.   
4/30:  My Aunt Carol is coming tomorrow.  I know it does no good to clean until the last minute, but I did think I could change sheets and wash the bedspread.  Torrential rain.  Parker hid in the closet.  I could not close the bedroom door and leave him closed in.  The room smells like wet dog.  Dillon got up on the freshly washed bed spread and re-arranged in, getting mud all over it and the fresh sheets.  Bedspread is back in the washer.  I'll change sheets when Parker comes out of hiding.  Then I can close the door.  I don't want to strip off the sheets because then Dillon is liable to get the mattress pad dirty.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to go in a cave and not come out.  I'm trying so hard to make the house at least tolerable.  I just can't do it without help.  I cannot bend to clean bottom cabinets or the tub or the shower base.  I can not bend to clean the dog dirt off the walls.  Anything lower then my knees is filthy and I just can't help it. 
4/22:  Puppies left a few days ago.  We met at the vets to get health checked.  Now it is official.  I thought Blink was leaving tomorrow but will be another week.  UGH.  A female coming from Benton.  Completely vetted, 2 years old.  I sure hope not another lie.  JoJo really needs a playmate and so does Hank.  If I put her with JoJo, not sure where to put Sally.  She just does not want chaos.  Wish she would be happy up here and that these guys would be ok with her.  She needs a foster home to live out her life. 
     Feeling uneasy about sending Patty or Cola off to be with Solo.  Several issues have come up, so putting that on hold.  If I was sending a dog that was very social, would not be an issue, but because these guys are going to need so much monitoring, it is just not a good time. 
    Deer out back.  Dogs are having a fit.  Weeds are so high, even in the yards, a mess.  Hopefully someone will show up to weed eat tomorrow.  Left a number of messages for various things I need done, but not getting responses.  Maybe weekend will be productive.  I really need a spare yard incase this girl coming tomorrow has any issues.  Hank was just neutered and Sadena is not spayed or they could go together.  Same with Blink.  He was only done 2 weeks ago..... which reminds me, I need to get his stitches out.  I'm just so emotionally tired and physically a wreck.
4/17:  I need help!  Not having Tim is hard, but making him leave was not a mistake.  A lot of decisions to be faced.  For the past few months.... well, past year, I have struggled with the fact I am not capable of doing the things I could a year ago.  I have always been self sufficient but that has slipped away.  That is the hardest part.  I need a partner.  A rescue partner.  Someone who can be a friend as well as do the things I can't.  Ozark Dogs needs to grow, not shrink as I shrink.  So few people have my dream.  So few people could walk in my shoes.  So many 'what ifs'. Am I running from the smoke into the flames if I move?  Damn, I really don't like snow!   I need to stop looking at the tomorrows and just look at today for awhile.  Got to get stuff gone, though.  Move or not, I need simple.  Move or not, I need help now.
4/8:  Spinning my wheels.  Paddling up stream.   How does one stop?  Go with the flow?  Down stream and over the 100 foot water fall?  Goofy went on a walk by himself this morning.  He has never pushed past me before.  Spring is in the brisk breeze and the Tramadol took effect.  He went at least a mile.  For this crippled, arthritic old fella, that was a long adventure.  Took the cat to find him and bring him back.  I was so scared he would fall in the forest and I would no be able to find him.  He did end up back home, but in the back and somewhat confused how to circumvent the fencing and buildings to get back to the house.  Now I am having to watch him for bloat and muscle atrophy.  He will not be getting his all day naps as I need to get him moving at least once an hour.  I well understand this.  If I sleep too long, I can barely get my legs moving.  Dogs are no different in respect the arthritis and over use of muscles that are not conditioned properly.  A mile run was not part of the 'old dog' program.
     My Aunt will be coming to visit for a week May 1 to May 8.  We are both excited.  It has been maybe 25 years since we saw each other.  So long we really can't remember.  My mom was afraid to fly so she never got to come visit.  So glad my aunt can come.  Hope I have some dependable help that week so I can take her a few places.  The pups will be gone, so that will help.  Dogs will be 'off schedule' on the day I pick her up at the airport but they are not going to starve nor have a nervous break down.  I want to take her to Blanchard Springs Caverns for sure.  I sure wish my floors could be done before she comes, but not going to happen. 
     I did a really crappy thing yesterday.  I said I would take the stray Pyr.  Thought they were coming on Wed.  They did not call and showed up Thursday.  That was fine... but it was not a Pyr.  It was a lab.  Just a bad situation all the way around.  I came off rude and I hate that it happened.  It was not my intention.  I was just at my stress limit.  It was not their fault.  they were just trying to help a stray dog.  I was just trying to determine if I could EVER get it a home.  The dogs enthusiasm proved lab and I would not have been able to physically handle him.  I did not take the dog.  They had driven 2 1/2 hours to bring him to me and I did not take it.  I know I look like a real POS to them and I feel so terrible.  I don't even have a name or number to call and apologize.  I feel like changing my phone number sometimes or getting a second number so I don't give in to the calls desperate for help.  I just cannot do this anymore.  I'm too sensitive to feelings and dogs. 
3/26:  Does not seem possible it has been 10 days.  Can that possibly be right??  I spent 4 full days cleaning up the mess.  Scrubbing rugs and walls and bathrooms and mattress and kitchen and fridge.  I did not think I would ever get it done.  Still need the shower floor done.  I can't get on my knees to do it.  It has made me so angry as I found more and more 'problems' I was unaware of.  Hopefully the surprises are over.  I feel so much more relaxed today.  Just being able to go through the clean apartment and a clean shop feels so good.  Don't know what happened to Lucky, Tim's dog, but I made him take him with.  So tired of the shop smelling of pee and poop.  Finally it can get fumigated with a lot of Pinesol and odor eater spray.  JoJo and Sally were not guilty.  
    Momma and puppies are doing good.  I am handling it.  Having them in a yard makes a huge difference.  Last ones 2 years ago were in the shop.  I could not handle that.  Half way to them being adoptable.  They can leave at 10 weeks.  Not too soon!
    Kathleen and Bob came Thursday and Friday to help with weeds and spray for ticks.  Racked leaves.  It was a huge help.
    Weekend before, Candy and Kathleen came to groom dogs, but Candy got very sick and they left on Saturday morning.  We did get 2 1/2 dogs done.  I got Patty and Cotton in for a bath.  Did it all by myself.  I really was not sure I could. 
     Sally has been to the vet almost every day.  Tim had lied about putting her medication in her ears.  The canal was swollen shut.  Don't know the cost, but I'm taking her in to the vet every morning (except Sunday) and letting them put the drops in.  That way I should be sure they get down in where they can do some good. 
3/16:  Tim is gone and I don't feel a bit bad about kicking him out.  He has been like a zombie.  It has been like talking to a stone wall.  I figured his meds needed adjusted and told him repeatedly to make an appointment.  Well, he's been drinking.  You just can't mix alcohol and this particular medication.  He knew that.  I always looked them up for him and printed out the information.  No one can read that tiny print that comes with it.  Anyway, he was a real liability in the state he was in.  He still owed me $1775 on the car he wrecked and he ruined the brand new mattress I had bought for the shop.  The place is a pig sty.  I loaded his stuff and sent him off with it and his dog.  Sadly, I am at the point where I don't care.  Try so hard to help someone and I get no respect. 
    Jewel, the new dog I got Sat is leaving for her new home this coming Sat.  Now I just need a place for the mamma and her 2 puppies.  So far they are not driving me crazy, but they will soon.  Mamma is sweet.  Nothing special to look at, but sweet.  Babies are adorable, but then all puppies are when they are 3 weeks old. 
3/15:  I use to be tolerant of others stupidity.  Either because I am getting older and wiser or just older, I have little and sometimes no tolerance for people who see things differently then I do.  I can almost pinpoint where and when the problem began.  In my thinking it began with our government allowing Diablo Canyon in 1965 and other nuclear power plants across the country.   It began with our government sticking their nose in Vietnam in 1961.  It began with Pres. Johnson re-instating the draft and sending in troops to Vietnam.  America government was so afraid of Communism, to hell with it's own people.  That road has led to the fall of pride and the rise of individual power. So isn't that what Communism is?  Our government no longer fights Communism, we are on the verge of voting for it.... Oops, we already did 8 years ago. 

There was a huge earthquake with only a few at the epicenter.   The earthquake created a crack in the earth.  But people just circumvented it year after year.  Not seeing that the gap had continued to widen.  Those of us old enough to remember that 'earthquake' (Vietnam and Johnson), have watched that crack grow wider.  Todays generation think history is stupid.  They do not care about what happened in the past.  They don't even look to the future unless it is all about them. Well, that crack has gotten so big it has divided the continent.  There is no longer a way of circumventing that huge gaping crack which has now become a canyon.  We are divided.  Some on the left and some on the right.  The ones on the left demanding those on the right throw them food and life supplies.   The ones on the right struggling to grow that food and make those supplies.  That earthquake divided not only the earth, but shook the brains so hard of the ones on the left, that they became helpless. 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.  All the Kings horses and all the Kings men could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.   The American people set on a wall.  The American People had a great fall.  All the Presidents appointees and all the congressmen could not put America back together again.
3/11: Olaf is on his way.  He is being a jewel for them.  I was sure he would be.  He has that 'love you' lab personality and the size of an Anatolian.  And a grin that will always make you smile.  I'm so happy for him.
     Expecting Dena aka Sadie back in about 2 weeks.  A pup adopted in 2012.  A lot of family changes and she is not handling it well.  Very sad.  She needs a big yard and a canine friend.  
     I have got to get organized.  I am falling into 'phobias'.  It is really bad.  My mind just can't grasp things.  My desk is a mess.  Rescue tax papers in a shambles.  I'm going to turn them over to Kathleen this next weekend and beg her help so I can get them filed.  It is so basic but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I've been alone too long and self dependent too long.  I want back in a safe nest where my brain can take a rest. 
     If I could just stop worrying about the dogs with Tim and those alone.  Lakota and Beth Ann cannot live their lives here.  It is just not fair.  But I can't put either in a pack or there would be blood.  My heart just breaks for Lakota.  I know there is someone who is perfect for him but no one is willing to take the chance.  And I am not sugar coating my insecurities.  Maybe I'm wrong to be so open, but as long as I feel he is unpredictable, I feel the need to express it.  Maybe a big disservice to him, but the thought of him turning on someone and being put down for it is too much to bare.  If JoJo and Sally were gone, he could move into the other part of the shop and Tim would have to pay more attention to him... or move.  Tim's dog Lucky has got to go.  Totally ignored by Tim.  Pees and poops inside.  Never gets groomed. 
     Tired.  So tired.
3/7:  Olaf's people coming this week from VA.  We are due a lot of rain so am concerned.  I hope it misses the route they will take.  We have more wind today.  I can handle rain better then wind.  I've been scared of the wind for a long as I can remember.  Do not know why.  No particular event.  Maybe just hearing about tornadoes as a child.  Just don't remember.  My heart pounds and I try to stay occupied. 
   I've been having trouble with milk going bad before the 'best by' date.  Ran to Walmart and got a fridge thermometer.  It looks like my fridge is fine.  That was a worry!  Can't trust any repair men for anything around here.  Last one on my oven charged me $100 just for "travel" .  Warranty didn't cover that.  I need so much done around here and just can't trust anyone.  The 'good ol boys' see a woman and think they can charge 4 times what they would charge a man and do a half ass job.  Tim has been feeling sick for several days, but he did get the property sprayed.  Ticks are starting to appear so had to get that done.  Forgot to buy gallons of vinegar so he can spray the weeds.  Getting over run with them.  I won't use chemicals around the dogs or where they walk.  I also need new garden timbers put in.  The ones we put in 13 years ago are totally rotten.  I would prefer brick, but that would be so expensive and not really increase the property value.  Main thing is my floor polished.  It can look like a museum floor when the marble is polished but the machine weighs twice what Tim weighs and really need someone with experience so it does not damage the walls or sail through a window.
3/5:  Hoping for company.  Mopped this morning.  It is always such a chore and leave me hurting all over.  I use the steam cleaner on most but that wears me out too.  Still need to clean the glass china cabinet.  It is filthy since it is so hard for me to bend over and impossible to stoop down.  Guess I could just pull over a dog mattress and try to clean in a laying position.  So many "ends"  End of having a husband. End of having a mom.  End of dog rescue.  End of  my Grandmas' tea cup legacy/ collection.  It will be passed on, even though they are only duplicates and not hers.  End of caring beyond outliving the dogs.   I'm in emotional trouble and I know it.  With my brain getting so confused, I may not know that for long.  You reach a certain age.  For some it is 50, some 60 or 65.  Others later.  My 'stage' was 70.  You start making sure everyone knows what you want so things get done right after you are gone.  HA!  What a figment of ones imagination.  I am trying to do what Loren wanted as it was his money.  But after looking at what I gave, and went without, if I decide to be frivolous with a little, no guilty conscience.  As long as the dogs come first.  I will be happy to get to my 16 dog goal.  A breath of independence.  Tim is great but the imperfections have become a challenge.  The smoking and the filth.  I can't stand filth.  Dirt and clutter is ok for a little while and a little bit.  It comes with accepting a house full of  dogs.  But when it relates to people, I have a problem.  A BIG problem.  I do not want the dog food toughed or the dogs touched with oily, greasy, shitty hands.  I'm not obsessive, but when it comes to others health, especially the dogs, it makes me crazy.  It could make them sick.  Enough of the computer for the day........ 
3/1:  Why are so many having separation anxiety?  I feel like I am giving them too much and they don't want to leave, but on the other hand, not giving enough because too many dogs for each to get the needed attention.  Maybe it is just they were starved for attention here and now that they have their own person, they don't want to ever have them go away.  I don't know how to fix this.  People have to have a life that cannot include the dog attached every minute.  We have to get groceries.  We have to go to appointments.  Many have to go to jobs.  This is just all too much stress.  I want to live in a bubble, immune from the anxiety I place on myself.  The worry that comes with caring just too much.  I don't sleep.  My mind is never at rest. 
2/28:  Wind.  I am so scared of the wind.  It is probably blowing with gusts of 60 MPH.  I hope I do not lose trees and fencing.  The dogs are safe in their houses.  The wild ones are up on the hill.  Nothing much phases them.  But they don't like rain.  They do come in when it storms... or even drizzles.  They absorb water like sponges. 
    I need to get out of this funk.  This is not good.  I want to go sew but it stinks so bad in the shop from Lucky, Tims dog.  Almost 2 years and he has made no effort to house break him.  And when he goes inside, it just invites the others to go inside to mark over his scent.  Shit on my sewing machine peddle.  Shit on my central vacuum system.  And Tim just is not clean.  He picks it up when I tell him, but he does not scrub it.  Dried and stuck and gross.  Tim has so many positives and I really need him, but the filth, not just dirt, but personal filth makes me crazy.  I can't stand being around someone who does not see the importance of washing their hands, especially after picking up dog poop. 
    I had a really creepy experience yesterday.  A good looking kid stopped by interested in getting a Pyr.  But he had obviously been heavy into drugs.  His ears hung down and had holes almost as big as a dime where earrings had been . His teeth were all broken.  He seemed clear eyed and clear spoken.  Maybe he was clean.  Maybe he would not be tomorrow and come back and steal a dog.  I know this is crazy, but it is how he made me feel.  Very uncomfortable.  I know the signs.  I truly know the signs.   I have got to get a surveillance system in.  Dave had started to help me and I just never followed through.  I am definitely going to pursue it Monday.  I need wireless and remote and lots of storage.  I just know nothing about this stuff.  Companies charge so much.  And I want everything on my computer system, not on some strangers watching inside my house.  My biggest frustration is not understanding stuff.  I use to be able to figure out almost anything.  Now I struggle with instructions on a frozen dinner.  My brain was my biggest asset.  It is like a distance runner who becomes a paraplegic or a concert pianist with gnarled fingers from arthritis.  Getting old is not something I am doing gracefully.  Not only do I stumble in thought, I stumble in body.  I have independence, but it is scary as hell.
2/27:  My mood has been bad so trying to avoid laying out frustrations.  I hate making decisions anymore.  I want to move, but so many reasons not to.  At least for awhile.  The dogs being old is a biggie.  To uproot 12 year old dogs with a life expectancy of 10 to 12 years is just wrong.  I do not want them to die... not ever... but they most likely will within 12 to 18 months.  Secondly economics.  I am comfortable.  If I move, I will lose a lot of this financial comfort.  On the other hand, I really want to be near family.  I miss my daughter.  I do not even know most of my great grandchildren.  My mind is not working as it did before the crazies legally attacked me.  The emotional stress took a huge toll.  All I can hope for is Karma kicks them in front of a bus.  Hateful people should not be allowed to walk the earth.  But then there is so many of them anymore.  Hateful and stupid.  Stupid has reached a whole new level never seen before.  We use to call it retardation but that was so unkind.  Then we called it mentally challenged.  That term now seems to encompass 90% of the under 40 set.  Technology has made our brains less active. 
    I'm tired.  I'm so tired.  I feel so helpless.  I am angry.  I am angry about little things... and big things.  My land line phone bill is now $84 a month.  $48 is for the service and $36 is taxes and 'fees'.  Taxes and 'fees' are what pisses me off.  Once the adoptable dogs are gone, so will the phone be gone.  A little thing that just infuriates me.  An indirect control I can do nothing about without cutting it off all together.
   Now with the rant gone, I love my dogs.  They are what keeps me going.  Cotton stays in my bedroom.  Sometimes he is on the bed with me.  He snores like a freight train.  I love it.  I know he feels secure.  Parker is reluctantly accepting his presence.  It was hard.  Although Goofys' legs tangle up, he is doing good.  Hana and Chipi continue to be where ever I am.  They are glad to have Butter gone.  Zelda and Sahara are still at odds, but they tolerate each other.  Over 8 years together and you would think things would be fine.
2/19:  Xena is coming back tomorrow.  Separation anxiety.  Trashed their home.  They gave it a good try but she is just not cut out to be an only child in the city. 
     Candy and Kathleen will be here tonight.  David, adopter for Cola or Beauty, from SC will be here tomorrow.  Elizabeth, adopter for Butter, will be here today or tomorrow. 
    Cleaning gal was suppose to be here an hour ago.  I guess she is not showing up.  She did a good job and I paid her extra.  Guess that was the mistake.  I really am not up to mopping the floors.  Just so hard on my back.  I have started emptying the china cabinets.  I really wish I could get them to my daughter in one piece.  Shipping companies just don't care.  I will never be able to sell them for even a fourth of what they are worth.  They just do not make furniture like this anymore.  Anyway, I want to have a yard sale in a few weeks.  The mess in the shop is driving me nuts.  Got to get some room and get organized.  I can only handle dirt and clutter so long and then I get really pissy. 
2/16:  Emotionally exhausted.  Morning spend shuffling dogs.  I love Butter, but he became less attached to me after breakfast and took off.  Was at the neighbors riling up their dogs.  He just wanted new friends to play with.  So he is in the shop.  Hot wire in place and live.  He is with Cotton, Lucky and Sally.  I had to move JoJo and Olaf out because they both attacked Butter.   They accept everybody else but for some reason they don't like Butter.  He is very submissive and does not even try to defend himself so I have to be very careful who he is with.
    Sally is home from Emergency.  Ear was cut and pouring blood.  It was horrible.  Tim got her inside the door and I literally poured 20 bowls of warm water on here so I could find where the blood was coming from.  I thought for sure it was her neck.  Just an ear.  I don't know how it happened.  She was in with Dillon but he did not have so much as a drop of blood on him.  As bloody as she was, if he had done it, there should have at least been a little blood on him.  But not taking any chances.
   I am totally out of spaces.  I have to have an empty space for emergencies like this but I don't have one without totally rebuilding a yard.  I have 23 dogs, including Lucky, Tims dog.  Xena may come back.  She has severe separation anxiety.  Trashing their house while they are gone.   Lakota would be happy.  
2/14:  Got a home for a Puggle. (2/19: no adopter.  They vanished.) Lady is dying of cancer.  Last stages.  Family is gathering.  Dog has been in boarding for 3 weeks.  Family does not want the dog.  I'm trying to arrange for the adopters to meet at the ladies house and get the dog there so she can tell him goodbye and meet the people taking him.  This is as stressful as placing one of my own rescues. 
    Dog fight earlier.  Must be the terribly cold weather.  I moved Tims dogs around.  He still has Cotton because Parker will fight with Cotton.  We moved JoJo to a 'time out' with Olaf but then put JoJo back in the shop.   We will try Olaf back later after dinner.  Moved Lakota into Dillons yard and Dillon into Lakotas apartment.  Moved Beauty in with Tim and moved Sally in with Dillon.  I know. I do have a 'score card' (map) on the wall or I could not keep track either.  Tomorrow I may try Butter back in the shop and bring Dillon up here and Olaf in with Sally.  I just don't know.  Too many males. 
2/12:  It would have been Lorens 72 birthday today.  I didn't realize the date until I wrote a check.  Then when I went out to the car "our song" was on the radio.  Such a sad feeling came over me. 
2/11:  Just about got the hot wire up on the shop yard.  I need a break from Butter.  I need to let Dillon and Beauty in the house.  This will still leave Beth Ann in a yard by herself, but she just will not be nice to other dogs.  Lakota is still alone.  I thought I had someone interested, but they bailed. 
     Got a housekeeper coming tomorrow morning.  Very young, but we will see.  If she can follow instructions, we will do fine.  She does love big dogs and they all greeted her.  That is a good sign. 
     Next week I have a man coming from SC to meet Cola and Beauty.  I wish Cola would work for him.  He does a lot of street ministry and a big fuzzy face dog is always an attraction.  I do not know how Cola would handle so much attention from strangers.  Beauty would welcome it.  Patty or Pumpkin would definitely draw attention, but they are even more insecure then Cola.  We will just see who bonds and what he feels.  Wish Fraz was not so far from social.  He is an eye catcher too. 
    A month from now Olaf will be going to VA.  They are driving down.  A really long trip.  Taking their vacation to do it.  You just know when people are willing to go to these lengths to get a dog, they are good dog people. 
    My biggest concerns are JoJo, Beth Ann and Lakota.  I so hope Daniel (Hawks person) is able to get other veterans interested in adopting.  Dillon would be perfect.  I love this guy so much and want him to be happy.  Lakota would be good in the right circumstance with a behaviorists assistance the first month.  Butter will fit in anywhere as long as he's not left outside alone.  He is velcro.... except when he is stealing pizza off the counter.
2/10: The Butter saga continues. Half a frozen pizza on the counter waiting for the oven to reach temp. Pushed the bar stools up to the island and situated the pizza out of reach... or so I thought. Walked in the other room for a split second. Heard a bang and thud and slap. On the counter, off the counter, through the doggie door. Me racing behind saying 'drop it, drop it'. Over the fence and into the field he went. I took the other half the pizza out and got it into the oven. Went into the computer room and Butter was back, empty mouthed and looking totally innocent. This whole affair was less then 5 minutes. How does a dog eat a hard as rock frozen pizza in less then 5 minutes? Or did he bury it for later? I'll never know.
2/9: Butter is now bringing me peace offerings. I know he reads my mind. I know he saw the hot wire insulators I bought yesterday. And he was so good on the bed last night.... except for not being aware the lumps under the covers he was laying on were my body parts. Back to the 'gifts'. Yesterday it was a very decayed fawn carcass. It was only recognizable from the hooves. Today it was a full grown deer leg still with meat on it.
   I walk that 3 acres every evening and have not seen anything. Don't know if pieces are being tossed over my fence or Butter is going over the fence, collecting, and then back over the fence to present me with his treasure. He's not at all possessive. He really is of the mind that he is bringing me gifts.
2/4:  Rejection letters can be hard sometimes.  Sometimes I just don't have a good 'fit' for wonderful people.  Sometimes people are just ignorant about dogs.  The tough ones are the sincere ones who really want to try, but you know they will be in over their head.  True, that is not my business, but putting a dog with them is.  When things fall apart, it is always the dog that loses.
    Tim is working on grooming Layne.  I hope he does a better job then he did on Xena.  That was embarrassing.  I will double check tomorrow just to be sure.
     I guess I'm getting a Bloodhound.  Someone dumped it out at Candies.  Guess it is in really bad shape.  She was boarding it in a less then desirable situation until she comes down in 10 days.  But a sick dog needs vet attention now.  Not sure if Kathleen will make the trip down with it today or tomorrow or if it will be next weekend when they both come.  CORRECTION!!!  Dillon just went after Beauty so had to move him.  Butter went after one of the wild ones and would not let up so he had to go in the hot wired yard.  It is on.  Not heard a yelp yet... Maybe he is working on going under or eating through.  I have no where to put another dog without building a building which we just tore down.  I'm TIRED! 
2/2:  I am so down.  I know I am in emotional trouble.  I don't want to get out of bed.  I can't wait to 'get the day over with' and go back to bed.  I don't sleep alot so between night time 'naps' I cuddle dogs that are on the bed.  If I am really tired, I tell them to 'shut up' when they bark every 2 minutes.  Last night I tried to shed out Sahara but she was having none of it. 
   Butter is precious, but he is stuck to me like glue.  It is driving me crazy.  I try not to get upset, but I can't even walk 50 feet to the mail box without him over the fence to be near me.  I can barely sneak into the bathroom without him.  It truly is heartbreaking that he is so insecure. 
    I feel terrible that Dillon and Beauty are not inside.  Dillon went after Butter and I am afraid he will again if Butter continues to stick to me.  Layne is leaving Saturday, if not before, but that will not help the situation.  Too many males.  Hawks adopter is going to spread the word around at his veterans meetings.  I would love to get Dillon, Olaf and JoJo with a veteran.  Butter too.  Maybe even Lakota if the person and situation were right where we could get a behaviorist up there in KC to work with them.  I'm sure there is a reputable one in such a big area.  
    Fez's hair came yesterday.  I put it up in the cabinet with his ashes.  I did not want the dogs to get into it.  I will pick up yarn at the thrift store to experiment with.  When I assemble my idea and make something come out right, then I will start working with his 'yarn'.  It is too important for me to mess up.  I want what ever I do to be perfect.   I so wish I had Keetons and Bears.  But among the 'white' hair she is spinning, I will have Goofy, Parker, Zelda, Hanna, Sahara and the wild bunch.  Everything I make with it will have a part of all of them in it. 
1/31:  So much for the great summer 'shorts' weather yesterday.  Not bad today but wind has howled all night and all day. 
    Butter slept with me all night.  He followed me around all day yesterday.  If I was outside for even 2 minutes, he was over the fence to be near me.  I had to get groceries today so I closed him in the dog room.  I hurried as fast as I could.  He needs someone in his sight at all times.  I let him out when I carried in the first load.  Then when I went for the second load, he was over the fence following me back in the house.  Same with load number 3.  By load number four he had sized up the stuff in the trunk and decided I was not leaving again.   He is wrapped around my computer chair both asleep and farting!  I can't call the HS again because he would go crazy in a run.  My heart is too big and my body and mind too weak. 
    Dillon and Beauty are in a yard together.  Not much interest in each other.  They need a human really bad too.  But Dillon goes after Butter and Beauty goes after Hanna.  If Dillon comes in then Butter has to go out and Butter will be right over both fences to come in and get beat up.  I'm stuck.  I'm stuck just like I was with Gracie Lynn.  
    Tim and I got the one dog house apart.  I called Linda so she can figure out when to come get it.  We left as much assembled as possible and I marked the boards so she would at least have a clue how to re-assemble it.  Could not salvage shingles but I have some I will give her.  We did save all the star head screws and shingle nails.  All she will need is tar paper and help putting it up.  I really want to take down one more yard but Beauty grazes and Dillon inhales so at meal time, Tim uses the other yard so Beauty can take her time without Dillon 'hovering'. 
    I am beginning the end.  I will move next year.  When depends on when I reach a certain number of dogs I have.  I do not want to move the old ones.  They would not adjust well and it would be too traumatic.  So when Goofy, Parker, and any one of the girls crosses the rainbow bridge, then I will have time to comfort and help the others adjust.  I can handle time with 6, even 8.  But more will be hard.  Not enough hours in the day.  My plan will progress as I feel it is ok for the remaining dogs.
1/30:  Butter and I have come to an agreement.  He will stay home as long as I stay home, let him stay in the house and let him sleep on the bed beside me.  Don't you just love when you can reach a compromise? 
1/29:  Sometimes the best intentions, the best plans, the best heart things just do not go right.  Thus the saga of Butter. This is a continuation from yesterdays adventure:   Found out he had been hanging out with Snow, a Pyr I adopted to a neighbor.  That made me feel a lot better so I did get some sleep last night.  He had 'visited' here during the evening and night but was not going to be caught.  Still freaked from the hot wire incident.  This afternoon at 3 when my dog food delivery came, another neighbor pulled into my driveway.  Butter was at her parents house right around the corner.  Very nice people and Butter really wanted them to adopt him.  I tried!!  I think the wife would have went for it, but the husband was from the school of 'dogs belong outside'.   As the wife and I talked, Butter laid down and went to sleep.  He really did not want to leave.  Got him home and right off Dillon attacked him.  Dillon is now in a yard with Beauty who terrorized Hanna last night.  They can be poop heads with each other!  So Butter is in the house.  I had to go pick up Tim and Butter saw me leave.  He was ready to jump the fence and follow!  I turned around and loaded him up to ride along.  Between the anger at him escaping, the heartbreak of him hitting the hot wire, the worry of him being missing, the disappointment of missing my chance to rid myself of him to the Humane society, more worry of him missing and then coming home to be attacked by Dillon.... I now have another Gracie Lynn.  Loved but going to wear me out.  I really tried hard not to get attached.  I lost the battle.  He will probably be on the bed with me.  He will probably be here way too long before finding a suitable home.  Damn. 
1/28:  Just want to sit and cry all the time.  The year continues to get worse.  I can't find Louises paperwork.  I just had them Sunday when I met Cheryl with Marley.  Got Butter yesterday  and he is gone.  Would not stay in the yard.  We put up a hot wire this morning.  He hit it, screamed, went over the fence anyway, running terrified and not been back.  7 hours. I'm heartsick.  No collar and tag.  Drove looking.  I'm afraid he will not come back because of being zapped.  I just want to cry.  Trying to keep him safe and just another Gracie Lynn.  I am both an emotional and physical mess.  He hit my knee really hard and I almost went to the ground. 
    No sleep last night.  None the night before or before that.  Marley ran off from his new home his first night so I was staying awake as he had my phone number on him.  Did not want to sleep through a call if he was found.  He did end up going back and waiting on the front porch to be let in at 4 a.m.  That was a relief but he did it again.  Hopefully he will settle in soon.  At least her returns.
   Layne has an applicant.  My laptop won't turn on so I can't google earth the house.  Vet reference was fine but strange.  Must be an old country vet who is doctor, receptionist and bookkeeper all in one.  I just have to get my head on straight

I just got a call from the Humane Society.  They are ready to take in Butter and he is not here!  They will move on to the next one.  Damn, damn, damn.  Guess it was just not meant to be.  What else can go wrong.  I definitely am going to go cry real soon.  Gotta wait for Linda to pick up dog food, feed the dogs and then I will have time for a complete break down.  Too busy right this moment. 

1/23:  So cold!!  Xena leaves.  Two Pyr/Koms coming.  Laynes adoption canceled so she is available.  She will find a home fast.  Another little boy (Butter) coming during the week.  Things are going in reverse!  Hope the little guy will be ok with Beth Ann.  They may just have to work it out.  Won't know until I actually meet him.  Beth Ann will put on a show.  It will boil down to his reaction.  As for the 2 Pyr/Koms, they will go in the duplex.  Tim cleaned it up, turned on the heat and put in some mattresses.  Hope they are not destructive.  Hoping the male is good size and gets along with chickens, etc as he will have a home if he does.   People want the Koms.  Just last week I tossed an application for one.  Damn.  They were approved many months ago but didn't have a dog for them.  Don't know if they are still looking. 
1/18:  A lot of activity scheduled for this week.  My massage this afternoon.  Need to get groceries today.  Tuesday Erin sees Layne for a cyst on her tail ...again!  Wednesday at 11:00 I meet Gail with an incoming Pyr.  At 2:20 an appointment for Parker with Wendy for a sore on his leg.  Got to finish taxes.  Got to pick up meds for Beth Ann.  Also need more bandaging material for her.  My order for supplements for Sally should be coming this week.  I'm low. 
1/17: Candy and Kathleen had to head home early because their area has snow! We did get a lot accomplished yesterday. Cola, Pumpkin, Goofy and Parker are almost 100%. With Pyrs and Koms there is no 100% because by the time you get to the end, where you started has already become unruly again. Those who couldn't come missed out on great homemade African Chicken and a lot of laughs. And a lot of white fur covered clothes.
      They got me caught up on data entry.  I know excel should be easy but my brain just can't grasp it.  So afraid I will hit the wrong key and destroy days of work.
      I worked on Fraz after they left. What is so great about 'company' is the wild ones get a chance to see that other people are not going to hurt them. Fraz, who is so hard to catch and the most unsocial, even let me trim his nails and cut out some huge mats on his front legs that I have been trying to get at for months. Dogs just don't like their front paws messed with. He fell asleep with his head on my foot while I worked on him. I am on a pretty good happy high right now (even though my body aches in every joint)
1/16:  Louise went to her new home.  Reports are that she is doing good adjusting.  A small working farm with a poultry and livestock.  She will be a companion to both the people and the livestock.  I hope she is happy there.  She just seemed so lost here. 
1/15: Grooming party starts tonight thru Sunday.
1/12: How can we stop evil veterinarians? I just got off the phone with an adopter. He has not had a dog in quite awhile and is in a different area from where he was in the past. He found a vet that is absolutely a money hungry, non-caring B#*%#! I am so worried about what all this over vaccinating will do to this great dog. I didn't want to stress on the owner. He was just trusting what he was told. Thank God he called me with some questions. I feel so sorry for the owner.  I found another vet that I phone interviewed so he went to them.
1/10: I brought Sally from the shop into the house as need to start her on all kinds of supplements and meds and vitamins plus I have to cook for her. Her teeth are so bad that she can't chew. Tim just thought she didn't like the food as she would just eat small amounts. I swear my brain is just not working anymore and I just want to cry when it takes me days to put information together that use to come so naturally. Putting Sally up here with me reminds me of what all she needs so I am less confused.
While trying to relax in the tub tonight, I could hear her pacing. It is constant. It is heartbreaking. Pacing on the end of that chain for 8 years... yes EIGHT YEARS, she just does not know anything else. I've not seen her lay down. The only time she is still is when she is being petted and even then she fidgets. I do not understand why anyone would even want a dog if all they did was put it on a chain. This sweet beautiful little girl is a heart stealer.
   Outside waters froze last night. Even the one in the doorway of the doggie duplex so turning up the heater. Usually no dog in that one, but the wild one occasionally wander into their half so want it comfortable if they stay out and not come inside the house. Looks like Dillon will be occupying the other half for awhile. I am just sick about it, but have no choice. I screwed up. Dillon has become my "enforcer" without me realizing what was happening. I get after JoJo when he 'hikes' in the house and I run him outside. It has triggered something in Dillon and now he wants to be boss over JoJo. It moved beyond stares and glares to attack last night. It only took seconds to get Dillon off JoJo, but he would not calm down. Dillon got 'time out' in the doggie duplex yard. First thing this morning, I let him come back up. There were some stares and glares after breakfast, right after I said "JoJo, go outside". It was a very calm voice, softly spoken, but it triggered Dillon again. 2 gallons of water to get him to get off JoJo. JoJo was not fighting back, just defending himself. So Dillon is out again. So cold, I had to put JoJo in the bathroom while Dillon got dry. I could not put him outside as wet as he was. It just breaks my heart. Dillon does not realize he cannot be the enforcer. He knows I am "his" boss and he always obeys and looks so sad when scolded, but this thing with JoJo is entirely different. I don't blame him. I blame me, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I will be able to trust Dillon with JoJo again.
1/9: Darn cold, but at least the snow missed us. The wild ones are not happy that I made them come inside. Laying out in a freezing drizzle. I know they don't care, but their coats are more Komondor then Pyr and they do not repel the rain. I don't need any skin problems developing.

Tried to organize the stacks of papers/ receipts to start organizing for taxes. UGH! Headache. One more hour until I feed and then hot bath. Terrible when you just want to skip the day and go straight from breakfast to dinner and bed. But I love watching the wild ones sneak into my bedroom and take their places surrounding my bed. Over 2 years to get that trust and it means so much to me.

1/7: As stated a few days ago, I just want 2016 to go away and try 2017 and see if it is better. The spiral downward continues. Tim needed a ride to his doctors appointment for 3:20. I dropped him off and came home to get the dog food ready and feed them. When I headed out the door to pick him up, Goofy saw the car keys and got all excited (he use to hate to ride). I walked him for about 5 minutes wanting him to potty. He just kept dragging me back to the car door. We were about 2 miles down the road when "it" happened. I had to drive another 5 minutes before I could find a place to pull over. Luckily I always carry those heavy shop paper towels and a container of baby wipes. Because Goofy is such a big dog, he had no where to get out of the mess in the back seat. I got him and the seat pretty well cleaned up. No where to dump the paper towels so put them in the trunk. Drove in 35 degree weather with the windows down and heat on.... Picked up Tim and we found a dumpster for the mess. Tim scrubbed the seat when we got home and sprayed a lot of fabreeze.

Picked up empty dog food bowls leaving 3 full ones on the wild ones side. Hot bath and some TV until around 8:30. Then I opened the doors and gates and everyone finds their sleeping spot .... except JoJo. I forgot about the full bowls still outside. He made a mad dash. By the time I realized I had left the bowls, slipped into some shoes and climbed over dogs, down the ramp and got to him, all 3 bowls were empty. I could only hope that the others had finished the food before JoJo got to it. WRONG!

JoJo sleeps in the bathroom. He woke me up to go out about 1 a.m. He peed and went right back into his 'room'. About 2 minutes later he scratches on the door. By the time I get my feet on the floor I hear regurgitation sounds. I'm too late. And of course, it is right in front of the door. Smeared everywhere. Smell is horrid. I hit the toilet running, stepping over the smear. Normally my stomach can handle it, but not this time. A roll of paper towels, 2 Wal-mart bags, and a dozen trips for me to hang my head over the toilet later, It is all up except for what has stuck to the bottom of the door. Another half bottle of fabreeze did no good. JoJo could not return to there so he had to go out in his yard.

I could not return to my bedroom as the small was so bad. I went to the spare bedroom and went to bed. This morning I woke up to the usual puddles of pee and pile of poop that Goofy always blesses me with. I have yet to clean up the bottom of the bathroom door. Tim is going to have to do it because my knees just won't bend.

Beth Ann has a vet appointment in an hour for her burn. Shelley Smith said they needed to do some sort of analysis on the burn because it has not improved in 7 months, despite 3 previous vet visits. I love my knowledgeable friends. Anyway, hopefully I can limp to the car and get Beth Ann in. Hopefully the rain will let up. Hopefully JoJo will not bloat (he had to of heaved up everything) . I explained to Tim what to watch for and check on him every hour. When I get back, I will bring him back to the house. By then it will be afternoon and I may take a nap... or have a good cry... or both.

 
1/4:  I sit here in my lovely home (all paid for) and wonder how can the government be so out of control.  If I stand up for what I believe in, I could lose everything.  That would not matter unless it meant losing my dogs.  Then I would do everything in my power for justice. 
    We need a revolution.  We are sheep being led to the slaughter.  I find it hard to believe that people are so naive these days.  Their heads stuck in computers letting it do the thinking for them, believing only what they choose to believe.  Denying the Holocaust. Denying Sandy Hook,  Denying corruption exists at the highest levels.  If it is not happening directly to them, they don't want to be bothered with it.
 https://www.superstation95.com/index.php/world/723    
 http://www.anh-usa.org/raw-cheese-destroyed/  
https://reason.com/blog/2015/04/22/today-at-scotus-property-rights-vs-usda  & http://blog.pacificlegal.org/u-s-supreme-court-grants-cert-horne-v-u-s-d-aka-raisin-takings-case/
http://grist.org/article/food-five-tips-for-surviving-a-raid-on-your-farm-or-food-club/full/  
 http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702304371504577406002591760584
Just do a search on 'government seizures  'USDA seizures' etc.  and if it does not scare you, then you are either stupid or get welfare and food stamps.
     And just for 'overkill'   http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/incident-at-ruby-ridge
   Then on the other side we have ISIS camps in known locations training combatants to overthrow all Christians and the USA, but the government will not move against them because they have "rights".  The Ferguson, MO. looters and rioters suffered no consequences for their acts of terrorism.  Burning and looting businesses of innocent people.  Illegal immigrants crossing our borders, killing innocents, and the government say "welcome, here is free food, housing, education and even college and we will make you automatic citizens under our Obama Amnesty law, created just for you illegals".   Such a slap in the face for those who came here the legal way. 
    This will convince no one.  Minds are made up.  The middle class knows these things to be true.  The wealthy don't care.  The poor just want the handouts to keep coming.  Maybe the groups we label "radical" are the ones who have this thing really figured out.  So there you have it, my political view.  If we do not stand together against government tyranny, we will have nothing left.  P.S. Voting has become a joke.  Who can lie the best wins. 
1/3:  The year is not starting off well.  I want to be around people less and less and just be around my dogs.  Even JoJo who wears me out is better then most people I deal with.  Enough said.
    I am making progress with JoJo.  He stayed in last night, but confined to the bathroom with peanut butter Kong and toys.  He never pees in the bathroom.  He is great to go out on leash in the middle of the night, pee, and then go back to bed in the bathroom.  It is those unsupervised moments during the day when he has free run of the house and yard.  He still has some confusion there.  Maybe he thinks he's human and you come in to 'go' not out side.  But otherwise things are better.  He has not removed or broken anything from my desk again.  His counter surfing is less frequent (but then there is rarely anything on them.  He has not eaten a single crib mattress or cover.  He does think my removing the covers to wash them is a game, though.  We end up in a tug-o-war.  He is learning 'drop it', but 'leave it' still requires work. 
    Tim got some grooming done on Sally.  I hope to get more pix soon.  She has finally stopped pacing and is now my shadow.  She is in the shop with Tim and that pack, but when I go down to sew, she is right by my side.  She is a 'nose pusher' rather then 'the paw'.  So is JoJo... he is right here helping me type.   Have a vet appointment tomorrow at 11 for Sally. 
     I dread every day.  This is not good.  I am still overwhelmed with all that needs done.  Paperwork needs organized for taxes for personal and rescue.  Septic for shop needs fixed right.  Thank you notes need written.  A dozen or so Micro-chips need registered.  I still do not know how to edit EXCEL to add this past years adopters.  Several house needs like floors polished and the sliding glass door replaced and a permanent doggie 'window' put in.  I want a slider at floor level so I can open it for the dogs.  The insert makes me crazy.  Always falling out and too tight a squeeze for the overgrown human body.  I need a kitchen cabinet moved and tile put down.  It was done wrong 13 years ago and I have hated it.  How badly I hate it will depend on the cost estimate to move it.  It just looks dumb where it is! 
   I have been moving furniture that I want gone.  Took the table and chairs to the shop and covered them up good with a quilt.  Setting up a garage sale room for in a month or so.  Lousy time for a sale, but I just need stuff gone.  Although I won't be moving for at least another 15 months, I am just tired of looking at a lot of the stuff I have not used or have grown to hate.  I have decided, although a big house is great for the dogs, they can fit in something much smaller.  Land wise, they must have 2+ acres.  They would not adjust to a normal yard. 
    So I bring in the new year with a lot of woes.  I just want order to my life.  Neatness and order and someone I can depend on to do the things I hate to do.... like deal with adoption applications, mop the floors, and watch dogs be alone.